Only rarely does Hollywood come up with a perfect movie title. Zombie Strippers is just such a title. Zombie Strippers is the most beautiful movie title ever unearthed by Hollywood. I am not a sensitive type, but the title is so profoundly elegant that I teared up when I heard it. The title perfectly captures the essence of its movie to the extent that you almost don’t have to go see it because the title tells you what is going to happen.
    Zombie Strippers dethrones Dude, Where’s My Car? as the former King of all Movie Titles that don’t require you to see the movie to enjoy it. I am humbled in the presence of the title Zombie Strippers like a member of the faithful seeing the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel for the first time. What a piece of work is man, how noble in reason to be able to come up with a title like Zombie Strippers. The title soars far above mortal man arching across the firmament of the heavens like a comet outshining the sun.
    {mosimage}The movie trailer is available for all to see online. I commend it for your viewing pleasure and personal edification. The trailer features the following immortal dialogue discussing the existential intersection of the undead and adult entertainment: “They are good girls.” “They are strippers.” “ They are zombies.” “No, they are zombie strippers.”
    The movie stars John Englund, who played the late great never-say-die Freddie Kruger in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. John Englund is the Al Pacino of horror movies.
    Zombies often get a bad rap. It is refreshing to see dancing zombies portrayed as full-fledged members of the artistic community. Zombies are one of the last ethnic groups that the mainstream media disparages with impunity. There is no Zombie Liberation Front protecting the interests of our undead brothers and sisters. Zombies are typically stereotyped in a very negative light as inarticulate, mindless, brain-eating creatures. Big deal. Show me someone who is perfect. What gives the living the right to criticize zombie culture as inferior to our own? As Bill Shakespeare would say, “Hath not a zombie hands, organs, senses, passions, fed with the same food as a human is? If you prick a zombie does he not bleed?” Well, perhaps that is a poor example. Zombies eat the hands and organs of humans. If you cut a zombie, he doesn’t bleed because he has no circulatory system.
    Instead of disparaging zombies, we need to bring them into the mainstream of American life. A society that is inclusive of zombies and recognizes and celebrates their special talents is a society that honors diversity. We are exhausting our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. If we mainstream zombies, we can make them part of our nation’s armed forces. Send a battalion of zombies to Sadr City and take names. Our zombies could wipe out Muqtada al-Sadr’s dudes in a battle that would make You Tube stand on its head. The al-Qaeda types can’t kill zombies because they are already dead. The only part of a zombie that is vulnerable is the brain. Haliburton can make zombie-sized Kevlar helmets to cover the brains of the zombie battalion. Our zombies would clean up the Middle East quicker than you can say “Mission Accomplished.”
    Closeted Zombies already walk among us. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Scalia is clearly a judicial zombie. He just told 60 Minutes that people should get over the Bush versus Gore Supreme Court decision that appointed Bush as President in 2000. The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Obama’s former pastor is clearly a clerical zombie, devouring the spotlight and Obama’s presidential campaign instead of human flesh. The oil companies are economic zombies, devouring the American economy with ever increasing gasoline prices. All these closeted zombies need to brought in from the cold. Zombies should be nurtured and loved so that their hostility toward the living is changed to empathy.
    One bright morning, zombies and humans will link arms and sing Kumbaya together. The undead will lie down with the living. America will once again become the shining city on the hill. Dead and undead will sing together in perfect harmony.
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