“October is the weirdest month” as T.S. Elliot might have writ-ten. The weather finally becomes perfect but people and institu-tions seem to come unhinged with the first chill of Autumn. That fluttering noise you hear is the sound of the wings of the chickens coming home to roost on Wall Street with the Occupy Wall Street campers. If you listen closely to the Republican Presidential de-bates, the angry candidates seem to be chanting, “It’s zombie time in America.” And the zombies are hungry.
As much as would-be Presidents try to reanimate Ronald Reagan, Ronnie ain’t coming back. And they are no Ronald Rea-gan. Each Republican candidate has to prove he has more bumper sticker ready solutions to complex problems than the next one. It’s the end of the world as they know it, and they don’t feel fine. The sunny optimism of the Gipper cannot light the doom and gloom of the Presidential debaters.
The Republican Presidential debates are even more gruesome than the return of AMC’s cable show The Walking Dead. There are a few living humans among the candidates, Mitt, Cain and Perry. The others are undead but don’t know it. They won’t lie down or go away. They haunt the Republican debates from the far ends of the stage, sniping at first one front-runner, then another.
“Brains! Brains! We must have brains!” they mumble in Zombie-speak. Michele Bachmann, the Newtster and Santorum are politically dead but still walk among us. Huntsman, believing in evolution, has no chance. Ron Paul is auditioning for his third party run against Mitt and President Obi. Ron is not among the undead. Like Dracula, he will rise up as the Tea Party’s candidate for President to suck the life out of Mitt’s campaign and re-elect President Obi. Thanks, Ron Paul.
Whereever you look, spookiness is on the march. It’s not just the Presidential debates and the return of the usual Halloween/Christmas shopping season. Lions, tigers and bears escape a private zoo in Ohio to terrorize mid America. Weirdness stalks the land like that piece of moldy celery in the far back of your refrigerator’s vegetable crisper. It remains in the recesses of the crisper until it smolders into a wretched gooey bio-mass.
Speaking of wretched gooey bio-masses, I have learned a lot about zombies from watching The Walking Dead. For those of you who are not familiar with this excellent show, a summary is in order. A plague swept the Earth wiping out most humans except for a hearty band of intrepid souls who are trying to find happiness and sanctuary from the undead somewhere in Georgia. Zombies are traveling in herds looking for human grub. Fortunately zom-bies are not really smart and can often, but not always be avoided. Being undead, zombies have certain medical impairments. Zom-bies suffer from conjunctivitis. Their eyes, when they have them, are always red and runny. Zombies seldom bath. They are decom-posing so you can smell them before you actually see them. Most zombies need extensive dental work as good oral hygiene is not a priority among the undead. They don’t floss or even brush their fangs. Zombies need orthotics. They suffer from foot drop, a condition in which the muscles of the foot malfunction in lifting the zombie’s feet, causing the distinctive shuffle that zombies have when pursuing prey.
Not all zombie qualities are suboptimal. As zombies do not breathe, they never get winded. They can chase human prey for many miles without tiring. Zombies are egalitarian. They will eat anybody. They have no leader. As such, all zombies are created equal. The opinion of one zombie, no matter how humble, is respected by all the other zombies, much like the organizational style of Occupy Wall Street.
The Occupy Wall Street movement has spread across the globe like kudzu on steroids. There’s camping in the streets, from Baltimore to D.C. Our friendly Tea Baggers have been pushed off the nightly news by the Occupy Wall Street crowd as the media’s flavor of the week. The Tea Baggers are crankier now. Mitt is going to be the Republican nominee and the OWS people are stealing their limelight. They are reduced to yelling at those dratted neighbor kids to get off their lawn
.The most frightening October news is the return of Beavis and Butthead to MTV after many years ab-sence. The horror. The horror.