03PadorasAre you tired of hearing about Russians influencing the late great presidential election? Are the White House leaks making you wish for the return of Nixon’s plumbers to plug up the gusher of troubles flooding the lawn at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.? Let’s wander down memory lane this week to figure out what is causing all the commotion in Washington, D.C. 

Surprisingly enough, it is not the occupants of the White House who are causing our current troubles. At the risk of mimicking Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway, the current troubles are not Trump’s fault, or even the fault of the First Son-In-Law and Putin Pal, Jared Kushner. 

Come take a walk on the wild side of Greek Mythology. Ponder our old friend Pandora, who caused troubles to begin on Earth way back in the golden days of yesteryear. 

Once upon a time in Greek Mythology (which will soon have to be taught in schools again as a result of President Pence mandating the teaching of Christianity), there were only men. Women had not arrived. In the beginning, men were immortal and made of gold. They hung out on Mount Olympus partying down with the gods. But after a while, things started to go south. The men turned into silver but were no longer immortal. The men left Olympus and did all sorts of cool things that resulted in them becoming the Greek heroes of mythology. Nothing gold can stay, so that age ended, too. Men were condemned to work and suffer to support themselves in the age in which we now find ourselves. 

Prometheus , who was a man, comes along and plays a trick on the gods by doing some fancy butchering of an ox. This results in the gods getting lousy cuts of meat and men getting prime rib. 

Zeus, king of the gods, is not amused. He takes fire away from men so they can’t barbecue the steaks they stole from the gods. Prometheus, being a tricky dude, steals the fire back from the gods. He gives fire to men so the barbecuing, lying and beer drinking can resume. 

This really hacks off Zeus. He chains Prometheus to a rock and sends an eagle to eat Prometheus’s liver each day. This is a very unpleasant experience for Prometheus. His liver grows back each night. The eagle returns for some Grecian Liver Puddin’ every day. Eventually, Hercules frees Prometheus from his role as a buffet dinner. The eagle has to go on food stamps.

You would not like Zeus when he is angry. Now. Zeus is angry at all men. So what does Zeus do? What will cause the men misery? Easy. Zeus makes a woman. He takes a hank of hair and a piece of bone and makes a walkin’ talkin’ honeycomb named Pandora. Pandora is absolutely beautiful, being the first woman and all. Compared to lumpy Greek men, she faced a pretty low bar for beauty. 

Pandora shows up at the door of Epimetheus, who is the brother of Prometheus. Epi was warned by Prometheus not to accept any gifts from Zeus, but Epi is smitten with Pandora’s beauty. Like Nancy Sinatra once sang, Epi and Pandora get married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout. As a wedding present, Zeus gives Pandora a real pretty box but tells her not to open it. 

You try telling a woman she can’t open a present and see what happens. Just as Zeus planned, Pandora can’t resist opening the box. Zeus had packed the box with all sorts of evil stuff — poverty, misery, type 2 diabetes, depression, smoker’s cough, death and Dook fans. When she opens the box, all the evil escapes into the air to infest mankind forevermore. The only thing left in the box after she belatedly slams it shut is hope. Realizing that it is too late to get the troubles back into the box, Pandora opens it again and lets hope out into the world. Hope flutters out of the box and shows
up when things are at their worst. 

As Emily Dickinson once wrote, “Hope is the thing with feathers.” Emily may have been thinking of Pandora when she wrote that. Or Emily may have just been hungry and was wishing and hoping for Colonel Sanders to invent his delicious Kentucky Fried Chicken with its eleven secret herbs and spices. We shall never know for sure.

Don’t blame Trump for the problems in D.C. Don’t blame it on the Bossa Nova either. It is more historically accurate to blame Pandora for the troubles you see on the “Nightly News” or read on the Fake News on the internet. Just be glad she let hope out. 

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