Max Payne  (Rated PG-13) 1 Star

    What Hollywood schlockmeister greenlit this fly-spotted waste of celluloid? Max Payne (100 minutes), despite having (finally) knocked Beverly Hills Chihuahua off the top of the box office, is not even interesting enough to properly make fun of. Even for a movie based on a video game this is a sluggish, misinformed effort. It somehow succeeds at being worse than the travesty that was Doom, and less intelligent than the lamentable Alone in the Dark. Frankly, this unimaginative dreck is to be expected from Director John Moore, who finished the ridiculously unnecessary remake of The Omen immediately prior to this film.
    {mosimage}Perhaps we cannot blame screenwriter Beau Thorne for the on-screen missteps since this is his first movie, but we can certainly write angry letters to the casting department. Who told casting directors Deirdre Bowen and Mindy Marin that Mila Kunis could play the “tough” character? And what in the world is Nelly Furtado of all people doing in this movie? That’s just weird. Seriously, someone must have gathered some great secrets and blackmailed the entire main cast to get them to agree to appear in this shameless, meaningless exercise in foolishness.
    So, what is the plot of this mind-numbing waste of almost two hours of my life? Well, it does follow the video game to some extent, and fans can have fun looking for “insider details” like the “V” graffiti. A New York City detective named Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg) is working in the cold case files after his wife and child are violently killed. He has become obsessed with bringing their murderers to justice, and spends most of his time stalking the streets in search of answers. During the course of his investigation Max is introduced to Natasha Sax (Olga Kurylenko). Later, Natasha is attacked and Max’s old partner Alex Balder (Donal Logue) investigates, only to be attacked himself.
    Meanwhile, assassin Mona Sax (inexplicably played by Mila Kunis) runs around the city in black leather stiletto boots that would put a Pussycat Doll to shame, occasionally shooting at (and usually missing) random flunkies in an attempt to find her sister’s attackers. Eventually Mona and Max join forces, believing their two missions are related.
    While Max chews scenery in the “A” Plot, an internal affairs officer named Jim Bravura (Chris “Ludacris” Bridges)…actually, he doesn’t do much of anything. He certainly is in a lot of scenes, but nothing seems to happen.
    Luckily, there is another plot revolving around the evil AESIR Corporation headed up by B.B. Hensley (Beau Bridges). Also working for AESIR is Jason Colvin (Chris O’Donnell), whom Max brutally beats during an unofficial interrogation late in the movie. During the beating, Colvin reveals important secrets that lead Max closer to the killers he so desperately seeks.
    Following the grand finale I was so desperate to leave I admit I missed the after credits sequence. Anyone who is still alive and kicking following the so-called climax of the WORST MOVIE I HAVE SAT THROUGH IN 10 YEARS is welcome to stay and watch Mona and Max in the bar, discussing some very important information.

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