Remember our old friend King Midas? Today, we return to the mystical land of Greek Mythology. What do the Federal Reserve, President Trump, and King Midas have in common? Stick around to learn how King Midas brings them all together into a mélange of greed and power. Sounds boring? No way, Jose. Dead ahead, find a drunken satyr, golden roses, a misbegotten wish, the ears of a jack ass, and Floyd the barber who can’t keep a secret.
President Trump sicced the Department of Justice to investigate and probably bring criminal charges against Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell over cost overruns on the renovation of the Federal Reserve Headquarters.
It is no secret that Trump’s fondest wish (other than to scarf up several Nobel Peace Prizes) is to boot Powell out of office so he can install a lackey who will respond to his political pressure to lower interest rates. Fed independence blocks America’s Golden Age.
King Midas had a rose garden, like the White House’s rose garden, which is now a concrete patio. Midas had the world’s best roses, each sporting sixty blooms.
People partied hearty back then. One day, Midas stopped to smell the roses and found an old, drunken Satyr passed out in his garden. (Author’s Note: A Satyr has the upper body of a man with goat horns on his head and the lower body of a goat.)
The Satyr was Silenus, the former teacher and foster father of the God Dionysus. Dionysus was the God of wine, so Silenus came by alcoholism honestly. Midas recognized Silenus, woke him up, and treated him as an honored guest. They partied with adult beverages for 10 days.
On the 11th day, Midas sobered up and took Silenus back to Dionysus.
Dionysus was so happy to see his old tutor that he gave Midas a free wish. Midas wished that everything he touched turned to gold.
Abra Kadabra Alakzam! Wish granted! Midas touched a stick and a stone. Zowie! They turned to gold. Midas was happy as a clam. When he returned home, Midas touched every rose in his garden, turning them to gold like a Grecian Formula Steven Singer. He ordered a feast to celebrate his new power, but uh oh.
When he tried to drink wine or eat food, it immediately turned to gold, which, while pretty, is indigestible. His daughter came crying into the banquet hall, upset because the now golden roses no longer had their beautiful scent. Midas hugged his daughter to comfort her, unfortunately turning her to gold.
Midas realized he had not fully thought through his wish for the golden touch. Buyer’s remorse set in. He did not want to starve. He missed his daughter. He asked Dionysus to reverse his wish.
Dionysus told him to wash in the local river to end the golden touch. He did so, and the river’s sand turned to gold. Midas didn’t want any more gold or riches. He took John Prine’s advice and blew up his TV, threw away his paper, went to the country, built him a home, and ate a lot of peaches.
One day, Pan, who was a lesser God of music, challenged Apollo, who was the major God of music, to a musical duel like Charlie Daniels’ song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”
The music Judge was a dude named Timolus who smartly named Apollo the winner. Midas was in the audience and loudly claimed that his buddy Pan was the winner. This did not sit well with Apollo.
Apollo said Midas “must have the ears of an ass” to think Pan was the winner. Immediately, Midas’s ears turned into actual donkey ears.
Midas was humiliated by being crowned with donkey ears. He hid his ears under a turban so no one would see his shame. Naturally, Midas’ barber Floyd saw his donkey ears when he cut Midas’ hair. Midas told him to keep the ears a secret. Floyd could not keep this gossip to himself. He went out into a field, dug a hole, and whispered into it that Midas has donkey ears. A thick patch of reeds grew up over the hole. The reeds whispered to anyone walking by that Midas has donkey ears.
Midas became the butt of many donkey jokes by all and sundry. When he could take the ridicule no longer, he drank a Mickey Finn of bull’s blood and arsenic, causing him to expire.
How does this relate to Trump wishing to control the Fed? If he gets his wish, but the economy tanks due to his putting a flunky in charge of the Fed, Dionysus will not be there to bail him out.
Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes, you might get it.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)