Are you tired of wars and rumors of wars? Does the phrase “Gulf of Hormuz” strike fear in your wallet at the gas station or grocery store? If so, Gentle Reader, kindly read no farther in today’s column. Skip directly to the crossword puzzle. Today’s stain on world literature is going to visit America’s ongoing and seemingly intractable war against Iran.
First, a bit of history. Iran used to be called Persia for millennia, a period of time for which the memory of man runneth not. Europe and Persia were not good neighbors. The Greeks and the Persians got along like Donald Trump and Jimmy Kimmel. If you don’t want to read about history (and if you don’t, why are you reading this second paragraph?), you can watch a movie called 300 Spartans about the battle between 300 Greeks and a zillion Persians at Thermopylae in which the Greeks saved western civilization by holding off an invading Persian army.
Despite being unable to defeat the Greeks, Persia kept its name until 1935. It officially changed its name to Iran when Reza Pahlavi, the Shah of Iran, ordered the switcheroo. When you are Shah, you can change the name of your country by whimsical executive order. Don’t believe me? Check out the Gulf of America, the Gulf formerly known as the Gulf of Mexico. There is no business like Shah business.
Now, back to our story. The good old USA has gotten itself knee deep in the big muddy called the Gulf of Hormuz. Like our wars in the Middle East and Afghanistan, it started out with the slightly shopworn theory called “This Time Will Be Different.”
It was going to be a short war like Venezuela. Knock off a leader we don’t like. The hearts and minds of the people will follow into the wonderful world of democracy. A little Regime Change makes the medicine go down in the most delightful way. Bombs help, too. Four weeks, six weeks tops, and the Iranians will be cowed into embracing democracy as a new and fun way of life.
Unfortunately, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum or in this case the bazaar. It didn’t work out like that. The US and Iran are holding each other and the rest of the world hostage in the Gulf of Hormuz. As the Soup Nazi would say if he was in charge of the Gulf of Hormuz: “No oil for you. Come back, one year!” What to do? What to do? It’s the old immovable object meeting the irresistible force conundrum. Who is gonna blink first? Who will cry, Uncle Sam?
Fortunately, there is a lesson from our old pals the Greeks on how to deal with Iranians. Once upon a time in the Fourth Century, there was a country called Phrygia, which is now called Turkey. The Phrygians did not have a king but needed one. A local Oracle read some chicken guts and announced that the next guy who came into the city riding an ox cart would be king. Soon, a dude named Gordias rode in on his ox cart and was named King. Gordias’ son Midas was so happy, he had the ox cart tied to a post in the royal palace with a bodacious knot that was so tightly tied that no one could untie it. This was known as the Gordian Knot.
Another Oracle declared that anyone who could untie the Gordian Knot would become king of all Asia. Many men tried, and many men failed to untie the knot. One day in 333 BC, Alexander the Great rode into town. Al learned about the prophecy that whosoever untied the knot would rule Asia. Al tried mightily to untie the knot to no avail. Frustrated, but not being a quitter, Al put on his thinking cap and pondered this knotty problem. Like a reformed alcoholic, Al had a moment of clarity. Eureka! He ciphered that it did not matter how the Gordian Knot was untied, just as long as it was done. Results mattered.
Al took his sword and like the killing of the Jabberwocky, “One two! One Two! And through and through. The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.” With mighty blows, he cut the Gordian Knot in two. The ox cart was then free to roam about the country unfettered to a post. Al fulfilled the knotty prophecy and went on to conquer Asia. The rest is history.
How does this story help resolve the Hormuz Conundrum? We have to think outside the knot. Perhaps holding each other hostage will not work. Does anyone have access to the Sword of Damocles? It still seems to be hanging around somewhere overhead.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)