How do you feel about Gnomes? Take a trip into Once Upon a Time land, courtesy of the Brothers Grimm to learn some Gnome lore. Gnomes are the first cousins of the Trolls who bothered Billy Goats Gruff. Trolls also write mean comments on Social Media.
Trolls live under bridges or in their parents’ basements. Gnomes live underground, usually working as miners. You may recall Snow White became involved with Seven Dwarves, who are the double first cousins of Gnomes.
But that is a story for another day. Let us return to Gnome lore.
Most fairy tales start with a King who has at least one beautiful daughter. Today’s King had 3 beautiful unmarried daughters. He also had a palace garden with his famous apple tree that only he could pick. Anyone else who picked an apple would be transported 100 fathoms underground.
Does this sound familiar—a woman plucks a forbidden apple and all heck breaks loose? Sure enough, the youngest princess believes Dad won’t send her underground.
She grabs an apple, takes a bite, and convinces her sisters to chow down. Each sister then sinks deep underground.
The King can’t find his daughters. He offers to marry one to whomever can find the girls. Lots of men look without success. Finally, three brothers take up the challenge.
They discover a large empty castle in the deep forest with a banquet table full of hot food. The oldest brother is chosen to remain in the castle while the two other brothers go on Princess Quest.
After they leave, a Gnome enters the castle and asks the brother for a piece of bread. When the brother hands the bread to the Gnome, the Gnome intentionally drops it. The brother goes to pick it up, but the Gnome beats him with a stick.
The next day, the second brother stays at the castle and gets beaten by the Gnome. The next day, Hans, the youngest brother, remains at the castle.
The Gnome tries the same stunt. When the Gnome asks him to pick up the bread, Hans whups the tar out of the Gnome.
The Gnome begs Hans to stop beating him, promising to tell him how to find the Princesses. The Gnome shows Hans a deep well which has no water. Hans lowers himself into the well in a large basket.
He finds three caves, each with a Princess and a dragon. The Princesses are combing the heads of the dragons. This seems odd, but this is a fairy tale. Odd happens.
When Hans tells his brothers what happened, they get so angry they turn green and yellow because Hans found the Princesses. Hans agrees to show them the well. They let the eldest brother down first, but he chickens out halfway and rings a bell to return to the surface. The second brother does the same. Finally, they lower Hans into the well.
Hans finds the dragons are still sleeping in the Princesses’ laps having their hair combed. Hans chops off their heads, saving the Princesses.
He sends each Princess back to the surface in the basket. He is suspicious of his brothers. He pretends to get in the basket but puts in a large stone. The wicked brothers pull the basket up halfway, then cut the rope, hoping the fall will kill Hans. Hans is stuck below and wanders lonely as a cloud.
He finally finds a flute hanging on the wall and plays it. A gaggle of grateful Gnomes appears and jives to the music. Flushed with flute-induced fellowship, they grant Hans his wish to return to the surface.
Hans goes to the King’s palace, where the first Princess is about to marry his brother.
The King asked what had happened below. The Princesses tell him they can’t say because they promised not to reveal the truth. The King orders them to tell their story to the stove while he listens outside the kitchen door. This allows them to keep their promise not to tell him.
Technicalities matter.
On hearing the truth, the King sends the two brothers to the gallows, where they are hanged by the neck until they expire.
Hans marries the most beautiful sister, and they live happily ever after.
What have we learned today? Don’t eat forbidden apples. Beware of hungry Gnomes. Some dragons are more concerned with their hair looking fly than remaining awake for possible danger. You can tell a stove things you can’t tell a King.
If you are stuck in a cave and find a flute, play it. Siblings do not always play fair. No Gnomes were harmed during the production of this column.
That is all.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)