Have you been enjoying the hype about America’s 250th birthday coming up next week? Did your invitation to the UFC Freedom 250 Punch Out at the White House get lost in the mail? Are you having a hard time getting psyched up for America’s Quarter of a Millennium birthday party? Do not despair. Today, we are going to stain world literature by looking back at America’s Bicentennial Year, the irrepressible 1976. Now that was a party on the 4th of July 1976. The calendar was thoughtful enough to put the 4th of July on a Sunday in 1976. The country went nuts on Sunday and hung over on Monday. Happy days were here again. If you are not in the 250th spirit for this year, perhaps looking back at 1976 will perk you up. Get into the 1976 patriotic fervor that spread across the fruited plain like swarms of EF-5 tornadoes in Kansas.
Climb aboard Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine or Stewie Griffin’s Time Machine (if you are too young to recall Mr. Peabody). Come visit our old pal 1976, who just turned 50 ½ this week. 1976 started slow, but picked up speed as the clock ticked off the months. The only event of note in January was that Pol Pot, dictator and all-around champion murderer, declared a new constitution for Cambodia. February was a mercifully short blur with nothing to report. Fortunately, in the fullness of time, things started to get more interesting.
March 1 saw the birth of the world’s first supercomputer – the Cray-1. Ever since the invention of the supercomputer, things have been great. Sweetness and light abounded due to this great-grandfather of the cell phone and social media. People are finally getting together, linking arms, and singing Kum Ba Yah. March 20 brought the conviction of Patty Hearst for armed robbery. Patty got kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army, was brainwashed, and robbed a bank. She was quite the superstar in her day. On March 31, a court ruled that Karen Ann Quinlan, who was in a persistent vegetative state, could be disconnected from her ventilator after a legal fight between her husband and her parents. The USA took vigorous opposing sides in her case. She remained comatose until she passed away in 1985.
April 1- A couple of obscure nerds, Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, formed some computer company called Apple in their garage. April 5- The Chinese government crushed a large pro-democracy protest in Tiananmen Square. One brave soul, armed only with a shopping bag, stopped a convoy of tanks coming into Red Square. April 13- The US Treasury re-issued $2 bills to celebrate the Bicentennial. June 1- The United Kingdom and Iceland settled the 3rd Cod War over fishing rights. The results of the first two Cod Wars are lost to history.
July 4th- America became party central as the whole country celebrated the Bicentennial. Can you imagine America in 2026 jointly celebrating anything? 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished, but it ain’t happening. Meanwhile, on the same day, Israeli commandos successfully rescued 103 hostages held in a hijacked plane in Entebbe, Uganda. July 15 – Little known peanut farmer Jimmy Carter won the Democratic nomination for President. His brother, Billy Carter, went on to invent Billy Beer, one of the worst beers in history. July 29 – Postal Employee David Berkowitz, AKA Son of Sam, at the command of Sam, his neighbor’s dog, started a series of murders in New York. Berkowitz was the inspiration for Seinfeld’s neighbor Postal Employee Newman.
August 19- President Gerald Ford squeaked out the Republican nomination for President over a retired movie actor named Ronald Reagan. August 26- the second known outbreak of the Ebola Virus popped up in Zaire. Ebola is currently enjoying a revival, proving you can’t keep a good virus down. September 6- Frank Sinatra brought Dean Martin as a surprise guest to Jerry Lewis at his MDA Telethon. It did not go well. September 9- Chinese dictator and River Swimmer Mao Zedong died after being responsible for an estimated 30 to 45 million deaths.
November 2- Jimmy Carter defeated Gerald Ford for President, starting a flood of peanut farmer jokes on late-night TV. November 3 – The movie Carrie, a touching story of the troubles of a teenage girl growing up with a difficult mom, was released to an unsuspecting public.
Considering all the colorful events of 1976, 2026 doesn’t seem so bad, does it? Just remember which side your butter is breaded on. As Mr. Natural says: “Be like two fried eggs. Keep your sunny side up.”
(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)