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Explosive diarrhea is better than radioactive cheese
- Details
- Wednesday, 05 August 2026
- Written by Pitt Dickey
What’s a little explosive diarrhea among friends? Lettuce prey. Nothing to worry about. Our highly qualified public servant, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, Secretary of Health and Human Services, is on the case. He has taken time off from his busy schedule of retrieving road kill, downplaying the resurgence of measles, and discouraging the use of vaccines to announce that the outbreak of explosive diarrhea is “under control.”
Now, don’t you feel better? We may not quite yet be in the Golden Age of America that tariffs and our new Middle East war with Iran will surely bring, but at least we are now in America’s Salad Days.
What does Mr. Science say about our exciting, brave new world of explosive diarrhea? It originates from a cute little parasite called Cyclospora. His name sounds suspiciously like the Cyclops in America’s summer movie, The Odyssey.
The boys around the biolabs actually call him the Cyclops parasite. (Author’s note – MAGA is getting rid of the lady persons from the biolabs because only Boy persons can be scientists. The lady persons should get back into the kitchen and rattle some pots and pans.)
Now back to Mr. Science. The Cyclops parasite gets into humans in several disgusting ways. Human sewage gets into irrigation water, or from workers pooping in the fields (because it costs money to provide them with porta-potties), or from contaminated water used to wash veggies. Once Cyclops finds you, he takes a couple of weeks to wake up to start your gastric engines.
What to expect when you become a host for Cyclops? Stick around near the bathroom.
Cyclops is not kidding about producing localized explosive diarrhea. You will get as dehydrated as Death Valley in August. Dehydration is double plus ungood. If your body runs out of water, it is like running a car without oil. Bad things can occur. Call RFK, Jr at home and ask for advice.
The FDA has determined that Cyclops is like Schrodinger’s Cat in a box, which was both alive and dead at the same time. Cyclops was initially determined to be sourced from Mexican farms operated by Taylor Farms until a representative from Taylor Farms met with White House officials.
After this meeting, the FDA backed up and announced that the Taylor Farm sample was a false positive for Cyclops.
So, Schrodinger Catlike, Taylor Farm was the source until it wasn’t the source of Cyclops.
If you are confused by this, ponder the fun times with facts back in the 1920s & 1930s when radiation was discovered and marketed for its health bringing properties.
Remember Radioactive Cheese?
What?
You don’t?
Keep reading.
Radium popped into America’s consciousness in the 1920s in a big way in the form of adding radium to food and drink.
You could spoon your way to health and happiness like Lucy Ricardo’s 23% alcohol Vitameatavegamins by eating radium-infused butter and cheese. Drinking radium-spiked water was a thing.
Gulp down enough Radithor energy drink, which was water infused with radium, and all your troubles would be washed away. You could radiate good health. You would never poop out at parties.
EC-zine was an ointment with radium sold as a cure for “eczema, pimples, ringworm, and blood poison.” You could make radium drinks at home by keeping tap water in a Revigorator, which was a crock made of radioactive material.
This would infuse your iced tea with real live radiation. Radium Limited’s ad read: “Radium Therapy for the preparation of radioactive water in the hospital or in the patient’s own home.
The apparatus gives a high and measured dosage of radioactive drinking water for the treatment of gout, rheumatism, arthritis, neuralgia, sciatica, catarrh of the antrum and frontal sinus, arteriosclerosis, diabetes, glycosuria and nephritis.”
The activator inside the earthenware “contains an insoluble preparation impregnated with radium. It continuously emits radium emanation at a fixed rate, and keeps the water in the jar always charged to a fixed and measurable strength from 5000 to 10,000 Mache units per liter per diem.” Yum. Better than Johnstown Kool Aid.
A competitor, the Mandis Sales Company, sold a lifetime radium water jar stating “it aids nature by increasing the number of and building up the red corpuscles of the blood. Eliminates poisons from the system and causes the best of digestion of your food. Nature then cures you.”
It cures “anemia, arthritis, female trouble, gastric ulcers, gout, goiter, chronic peritonitis, high blood pressure, hay fever, lumbago, prostate disorders, or any other common ailment.” Sounds great.
Unfortunately, it turned out radium killed more than it cured. It was taken off the market. But now, explosive diarrhea doesn’t sound so bad in comparison, does it?
Take it from RFK, Jr. – nothing to see here. Move along, people. Cyclops is under control. What dressing would you like on your salad?
(You are what you eat. Illustration by Pitt Dickey)
