I last wrote you upon learning my wife had three previous husbands, not two. After enduring her lies and spending issues, plus having her deny me sex for seven years (starting with a sharp elbow in my chest when I tried to spoon), I’m out. I’m thrilled it’s over, but terrified to start a relationship and possibly repeat the horror.
       —Some Encouragement, Please


    On seven separate occasions, Bank of America’s tellers handed out a total of $12,000 of my money to thieves, including a woman with missing teeth and a fake driver’s license in my name with the wrong expiration date. Meanwhile, their spokeslady, Betty Riess, brags to the media that they have “multiple layers of security.” Uh, such as...asking a thief whether she’d like my money in $10s, $20s or $100s? You probably have a similar method for vetting women — pretty much just hoping they are who they claim to be.     The good news is, finding an honest woman isn’t a crap shoot. Just be vigilant. Listen, observe, analyze. Take your time. Most people can’t entirely hide who they are unless you help by closing your eyes and crossing your fingers — behavior that can lead to dangerous unprotected sex; in your case, spooning without a hockey goalie chest guard.

The Course of True Love
    I work at a big supermarket. I’m 21, and have a hot co-worker who’s 42. (I love older women!) I want to tell her I’m looking for a little bit of a girlfriend and sex, and see if she’s into it. I know I should show confidence without being cocky, and be direct, but what else?
                            —Very Interested


    By all means, be direct: Perhaps mention that she’s getting on in years, but you’re kinda into the older meat. And then, just get to it: “I’m looking for a little bit of a girlfriend and sex.” Surely, she’ll take it in stride: “Oh, that’s in aisle four, next to the hot cereals.” Of course, there’s another direct approach -- ask her out for a beer. Even if she senses what you’re after, as long as it isn’t spoken, you can both pretend you’re just thirsty and wondering whether she is, too. Depending on how drinks go, either give her a friendly hug goodnight or try to kiss her in the parking lot. Whatever happens, make it your policy never to blurt out exactly what you want from a woman -- that is, unless you’re trying to see whether you can afford her services.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA  90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)
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