I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years, and I’m miserable. I want to break it off, but he moved to Colorado to be with me while I finish college, and has no friends here. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I was thinking about moving back home and finishing college there.
— Stuck

    How could you ditch him in that barren wasteland where he toils in the biting cold breaking rocks on the work gang and eating only stale crusts of bread and watery soup? All because he moved to Siberia to be with you. Oh, sorry — Colorado. No, breaking up isn’t a laugh riot, but if a guy’s going to get dumped somewhere, a mountain paradise with hordes of hot ski bunnies isn’t exactly the Gulag annex. And besides, he chose to move there. I’m guessing you didn’t encourage him to do it, thinking, “Hah! I’ll lure him out, ditch him and ruin his life!” As for your idea of moving home to finish school, if it’s for educational reasons, have at it. Otherwise, maybe you could do the adult thing and tell him what he surely already knows — that it isn’t working — instead of giving him the idea that you aren’t breaking up, just moving. Well, eventually giving him the idea. When the U-Haul pulls up, he’s sure to figure it out.

In Need Of A Good Butch Slapping
I’m straight, but women sometimes think I’m gay. I’m 24, and have what some describe as “pretty boy” features. Apparently, I also have “gay mannerisms.” Is there something I can do to become more masculine? Are there masculine traits or hobbies I could adopt?
— Straight But Misunderstood

    Um...having sex with women? Then cutting out at 3 a.m., and saying “I’ll call you.” And then don’t. You could also burp a lot and scratch your groin. Of course, then you’ll probably just seem like a gay guy with indigestion and crabs. Okay, so maybe if you start hanging with a bunch of stereotypically straight guys, and really practice walking the walk and talking the talk (keeping hand gestures to a minimum, especially those involving a lot of wrist), you might seem a notch or two butchier. But, ultimately, some bit of swishy business is going to slip through, and you’ll be mistaken for, well, you. Your best bet is just accepting that, and hitting on women you find attractive — lots of them, since you need to find those few who like their men less masculine, and because you’re bound to attract more than a few who’d like a gay best friend. Before long, you should be sashaying off on dates with gayish pride: “We’re here, we’re straight but a little femmy, get used to it!”

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