Love is a many splintered thing. Time to hop into Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine back into the wonderful world of Greek Mythology. Remember our old friend Daphne? If you skipped class the day Daphne was discussed, you are in luck. Daphne was a Naiad. Naiads are beautiful woodland nymphs who hang out around water features like fountains, ponds, and streams.
Her Daddy Peneus was a River God. Daphne was minding her own business when as luck would have it, Apollo, the God of poetry and light, got into a ruckus with Eros the God of Love.
Daphne ends up as collateral damage due to the fuss between Apollo and Eros. Pro tip: Eros is now known popularly as Cupid, the God of Love, chocolate, flowers, and men buying the wrong gift for their lady person.
In a win like NC State beating Dook in the NCAA tournament, Apollo had just gotten back into town after whaling the tar out of a substantially mean nasty dragon named Python. Flush with success and arrogant about his victory, Apollo bumped into Eros at the sauna at Mount Olympus. Eros was famous for shooting arrows into mortals to make them fall in love. Apollo trash-talked to Eros, bragging his defeat of Python made Eros’ puny love arrows look silly. This jab did not sit well with Eros who was defensive about his job making people fall in love.
To prove he was not a God to be trifled with, Eros shot a gold tipped arrow into Apollo’s heart making Apollo fall in love with Daphne. To make Apollo’s life miserable (and incidentally Daphne’s life as well), Eros shot a lead-tipped arrow into Daphne which made her want to avoid men at all costs.
The lead-tipped arrow had the same effect on Daphne that Suboxone has on heroin addicts. Gentle Reader, you can see where this is going. The late great Possum, country superstar George Jones, sang about this very situation in his song “The Race is On”: “Now the race is on/ And here comes pride up the backstretch/ Heartache’s a-going to the inside/ My tears are holding back/ Trying not to fall/ … My heart’s out of the running/ The race is on/ And the winner loses all.”
Apollo was smitten with Daphne as only a God injected with a golden arrowhead could be smitten. Like Ernest T. Bass’ unrequited love for the beautiful Rowena, like Running Bear loved Little White Dove with a love as big as the sky; Apollo loved Daphne with a love that could not die. Apollo became Daphne’s stalker.
He begged and pleaded with her to no avail. The lead arrow turned Daphne off to all men. Another dude, Leucippus, was so taken with Daphne that he disguised himself as a woman to get close to her. Like Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe in “Some Like it Hot,” Leucippus became Daphne’s best friend while disguised as a woman. Their closeness grossly aggravated Apollo.
Being a God, he caused Daphne and her merry band of nymphs to decide to go swimming in a river. This was before bathing suits were invented. Everyone had to strip down nekkid to take a dip. When Leucippus had to undress, his shortcomings as a woman were revealed to the nymphs. They did not take kindly to being fooled and stabbed him to death.
Apollo’s pursuit of Daphne resumed unabated. Apollo’s unwanted persistence foreshadowed Sting’s hymn to stalking “Every Breath You Take”: “…Every breath you take/ And every move you make/ Every bond you break/ Every step you take/ I’ll be watching you.” Finally, exhausted by Apollo’s advances, about to be kissed, and backed into a proverbial corner, Daphne called on her father Peneus to save her from Apollo.
Dear old Dad did what any loving father would do to save his daughter. Peneus turned Daphne into a laurel tree. The transformation was complete. Her hair turned into leaves, her skin turned into bark, her feet became roots, and her face turned into the canopy of the tree. She was no more.
Even Daphne’s treemongrification did not quench Apollo’s ardor. Apollo became the first tree hugger. Apollo could feel Daphne’s heart beating while he hugged her tree. Apollo is reported to say: “My bride since you can never be, at least, sweet laurel, you shall be my tree. My lure, my locks, my quiver you shall wreathe.” His pledge of love is almost as sweet as when Andy Griffith sang: “Sure as the vine twines ‘round the stump/ You are my darlin’ sugar lump.”
Apollo was so taken with laurel trees that he used laurel leaves to crown the winners of the early Olympics. This habit caught on. That is why laurel leaves are awarded as prizes to winners of various contests to this day.
As Paul Harvey used to say: “Now you know the rest of the story.” So go rest on your laurels.