Right now you are probably asking yourself: “Self, what would Shakespeare think about our modern-day Romeo and Juliet story of Bill Belichick and his lady love Jordon Hudson?” Shakespeare might say.
“What is so rare as a Jordon in June?”
The biggest news this Spring was not the appointment of a new Pope, but the elevation of Bill Belichick’s girlfriend to be the face of the UNC football program. Friends, Tar Heels, Countrymen, lend me your ears while UNC raises the price of football tickets at Kenan Stadium.
Tar Heel football is providing bread and circuses instead of gridiron greatness on a scale reminiscent of the most decadent stages of the late, great Roman Empire. Today’s column is a Shakespearean salute to Jordon Hudson, who has proved that love conquers all.
In a mangled version of Marc Antony’s funeral oration at Caesar’s passing, I come to praise Jordon, not to bury her. She may have come in third at the Maine Miss USA pageant behind the winner, Miss Bangor, but she remains number one in the hearts of Tar Heel fans everywhere. She has single-handedly made the Tar Heel football program the number one sports story. How do we love her? Let us count the ways. Her rise to prominence began with her December/May romance with our very own Coach Belichick. Coach is 73, Jordon is 24. A mere 49-year difference in ages is no barrier to true love.
Coach Bill was engaged in a TV interview when some CBS smarty pants talking head had the nerve to ask Bill how he and Jordon met. Jordon, sitting off-screen, interrupted and sternly announced: “We’re not talking about that.”
Coach Bill clammed up per Jordon’s orders. As Marc Antony said: “The evil that men do lives after them/ The good is oft interred with their bones.” How Bill and Jordon met remains more secure classified information than a Pete Hegseth text about a military attack on Houthis and the Blowfish.
Cry-babies in the sports media and Saturday Night Live assumed the top-secret nature of how our love birds met meant something nefarious was going on. How wrong can they be? Their initial meeting was likely at an innocent church picnic where Bill was grilling burgers and Jordon was teaching the children cheers and baton twirling. It is beyond churlish to presume otherwise. As Mr. Antony said: “O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts/ And men have lost their reason.” The sports world’s repugnant fascination with the story of Jordon and Bill defies all reason.
The next tiny little event that was blown way out of proportion was the fake news report on ESPN that our heroine Jordon had been barred from entry onto the Carolina football stadium and related gridiron environs. To those who spread this scurrilous rumor, I say: “Fie on you, thou cream-faced loon. A pox on your throat. Degenerate and base art thou. There is no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune. You beetle-headed flap-ear’d knave,” stop slandering our beloved Jordon. We need her to lead the Heels to gridiron glory.
Shortly after the fake news that she had been banned from UNC’s football facilities, the University put out an official statement refuting Jordon’s alleged banishment, saying: “While Jordon is not an employee of the University or Carolina Athletics, she is welcome to the Carolina Football facilities. Jordon will continue to manage all activities related to Coach Belichick’s personal brand outside of his responsibilities for Carolina Football and the University.” If UNC says it, I believe it. And that settles it. Jordon Rules! Long may she reign. Fake Media take back your lies: “Away you starveling, you elf skin, you dried neats-tongue, bull’s pizzle, You Stock fish!”
You scurvy fellow travelers of the lying media. “Thou tongues outvenom all the worms of the Nile.” Your lies about Jordon are of the “rankest compound of villainous smell that ever-offended nostrils.”
Jordon is here to stay in command at UNC. Unless, of course, she enters the transfer portal and takes up with the Oracle of Omaha, the recently retired Warren Buffett. A 94-year-old multi-billionaire with an old heart might tempt any young lady with a desire for some real NIL money. Carolina football fans: Fasten your seat belts, it’s gonna be a bumpy night. Don’t put your faith in stewed prunes. Jordon will be with us unless she gets a better offer. As Andy Griffith would say: “What is was, was football.”

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)