Tired of good news? You have come to the right place. Like Creedence Clearwater, I see bad news rising. I see troubles on the way. There’s a bad moon on the rise. We have it all.
Swarms of Earthquakes. Tsunamis. Wars. Rumors of wars. Fires. Floods. Sidney Sweeney’s jeans. Nuclear reactors on the moon. Danish Zoos feeding used up pets to lions. Volcanoes waking up. Still not enough for you? How about a giant alien spacecraft heading for Earth in late November just in time for Black Friday? If you think regular human illegal aliens are bad, wait until the illegal Space Aliens arrive.
That’s right, saddle pals. Cosmic troubles are heading right at us. No less an authority than the legendary blind Bulgarian psychic Baba Vanga predicted aliens would contact the Earth in 2025.
If you don’t believe in blind Bulgarian psychics (and you should), consider Harvard Astrophysicist, the esteemed Professor Avi Loeb. Dr Loeb reports that Interstellar Object 31/ATLAS is coming for our neighborhood at the rate of 130,000 miles per hour. That’s faster than Buffalo wings disappear at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
31/ATLAS is a big boy, 15 miles across, larger than Manhattan. Even bigger than Andre the Giant. ATLAS is coming from outside the galaxy with a speed and trajectory, Dr. Loeb says indicates it could be an alien Mothership.
ATLAS will fly by Jupiter, Mars, and Venus, allowing it to send probes into each of those planets on its way to Earth. When ATLAS gets closest to the Sun (Bonus science word of the day: Perihelion), it will be on the opposite side of the Sun from Earth, where it can’t be seen by our telescopes.
Dr. Loeb reports this position could be a deliberate strategy by the alien Mothership to deploy weapons or probes to either invade or zap the Earth. If you think Cartman had a bad time when he was probed by aliens, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Ever heard of the “dark forest hypothesis”? This is the theory that advanced alien civilizations are intentionally concealing their existence from Earth because we are dangerous lunatics. The dark forest may be about to rip open a giant clear-cutting of the Earth by ATLAS. If Dr. Loeb is right, instead of a boring comet, ATLAS could be a cosmic Trojan Horse. Remember the Twilight Zone episode To Serve Man?
Seemingly friendly space aliens come to Earth to offer rides back to their home planet, where life is beautiful, the space girls are beautiful, and even the orchestra is beautiful. Unfortunately, their guidebook “To Serve Man” turns out to be a cookbook.
Dr. Loeb warns that if ATLAS is a Mothership, “It may come to save us or to destroy us. We better be ready for both options and determine if all interstellar objects are just rocks.” The perihelion date of 29 October is no coincidence.
It coincides with the anniversary of the collapse of the stock market on Black Tuesday 1929. If the aliens have a sick sense of humor, they may have intentionally picked that date to deploy the probes from behind the sun to attack the Earth. Like Congresspersons, the aliens may be manipulating the stock market by selling it short right before launching the probes to collapse your 401K.
Before you panic, not every astrophysicist agrees with Dr. Loeb. Some soreheads at the University of Regina in Canada contend ATLAS is just a plain old comet. But we can’t trust Canada, can we?
Those Maple Leaf Clusters are probably in league with ATLAS to hit the good old USA by scooping up all red-blooded Americans into some cosmic stew pot. The Canadians will just walk across the border to take all our stuff. The horror. The horror. Science misinformation about ATLAS gets even worse. Professor Chris Lintott of Oxford University is quoted as saying that Dr. Loeb’s theory is “nonsense on stilts,” that ATLAS is just a comet.
Other than UNC’s Bill Belichick’s relationship with the beautiful Jordon, I personally have never seen nonsense on stilts, so I am looking forward to it.
So, what’s it gonna be? A boring comet or the Mother of all Motherships? Baba Vanga and Dr. Loeb have their answer. Apply Blaise Paschal’s wager on the existence of God. Blaise said: “It is smarter to believe in God because the benefits are much greater than the losses if you are wrong.”
Watch what the Congresspersons do in late October. If they are selling stocks short, the interstellar poop is about to hit the fan.
Past performance is no guarantee of future results.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)