Trigger warning, this column is not suitable for UNC football fans, Snowflakes irritated by mangled Greek Mythology, or small house plants. Parental discretion is advised. You would be better off binge-watching pre-season Hallmark Channel Christmas movies rather than wasting your time reading this drivel. I personally witnessed the recent UNC- Clemson football debacle. I am scarred for life as a result of the traumatic events at Kenan Stadium. Unlike what Andy Griffith once said, what it was, was not football. It was Slaughter House 38-10 in Chapel Hill. Andy at least got a big Orange soda at his Tar Heel game. I did not even have the comfort of adult beverages to ease the gridiron pain as I had to drive back home after the game.
To be a Tar Heel football fan is to suffer, to know great pre-season hopes only to see them dashed to bits on the shores of a non-existent defense and an at best mediocre offense. It is to be Charlie Brown hoping that this time Lucy will not snatch the football away at the last minute. It is to understand the depths of Charlie’s anguish as he screams, “AAUGH!” The Heels gave up 28 points to Clemson in the first quarter. There is no Mercy Rule in college football to stop scoring carnage. UNC, like Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire, must depend upon the kindness of strangers. In this case, the kind strangers wore Clemson orange. If Clemson had not played its second and third strings after the first quarter, the score might have been a Zillion to 3.
Unfortunately, like Humpty Dumpty’s issues, UNC’s Bill Belichick, our $50 million 73-year-old coach, and Jordan, his 24-year-old girlfriend, could not put the Tar Heels back together again. To rationalize why Tar Heel fans still pull for the football team, kindly turn to the story of Sisyphus, the patron saint of Carolina Football. At some point in the past, UNC football must have offended the Greek Gods. We are the Sisyphus of college football. Were you asleep when Sisyphus was discussed in your Greek Mythology class? Allow me to refresh your recollection. Post Tarheel Sisyphus Disorder (PTSD) explains what happens in Kenan Stadium each Autumn.
Sisyphus considered himself smarter than Zeus. He ticked off Zeus by ratting him out about kidnapping the River God’s daughter. It is not wise to aggravate the King of the Gods. Zeus ordered Thanatos the God of Death to chain up Sisyphus. Sisyphus pulled the old switcheroo and chained up Thanatos instead. Because Thanatos was chained up, no humans could die on Earth. This situation frustrated Ares, the God of War, because battles couldn’t result in killing his enemies. Death was stingless while Thanatos was imprisoned. Ares finally captured Sisyphus and unchained Thanatos so people could start dying again.
Sisyphus ended up in the custody of Hades, the God of the Underworld. Being a smooth talker, Sisyphus conned Hades into letting him temporarily go back to the world of the living to remonstrate with his wife. Once above ground, Sisyphus refused to go back to the Underworld until he died of old age. On returning to the Underworld, Hades made Sisyphus push a giant enchanted rock up a hill. When Sisyphus got the rock almost to the top of the hill, the rock would roll back down the hill, forcing Sisyphus to start pushing the rock back up the hill again. This goes on for eternity. Sisyphus is the universal symbol of “useless efforts and unending frustration.”
Speaking of useless efforts and unending frustration, Gentle Reader, now do you see why UNC football fans suffer PTSD every Autumn? Hope springs eternal each pre-season. We dream the impossible dream. We will fight the unbeatable foe. We will bear with unbearable sorrow. We will run where the brave dare not go. This season will be different. The Heels will go all the way. We will push the Enchanted Rock up the hill. Victory will be in sight. Then the month of September arrives. The football-shaped rock rolls back down Chapel Hill, crushing the hopes of the Village Faithful in Kenan Stadium. By October, there is no pressure on Tar Heel football fans. We leave during the 3rd quarter. The season was wrecked during September. We long for the return of basketball season and UNC Women’s Field Hockey.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright/ The band is playing somewhere/ And somewhere hearts are light/ And somewhere men are laughing/ And somewhere children shout/ But there is no joy in Chapel Hill/ Mighty Belichick has struck out.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)