Right now you are probably asking yourself: “Self, are there clues in the Gilligan’s Island Theme Song about how to teleport to a Waffle House?” The answer is clearly yes. “Just sit right back/ And you’ll hear a tale/ A tale of a fateful trip/ That started with a hungry guy/ Aboard a teleported ship.”
That’s right, friends and neighbors; we are going to learn of the miraculous teleporting trip of Gregg Phillips, who was recently appointed head of the US Federal Emergency Management Office of Response and Recovery. Being head of the FEMA office charged with responding to national emergencies is a pretty serious responsibility.
It is heartwarming to know that Gregg will be working when the hurricanes hit this summer. Rest easy, America. Gregg is on the job. He can get to any trouble spot in the US almost instantaneously using teleportation. Gregg related this story to the Onward podcast in January 2025.
Ponder what Gregg revealed. One night, Gregg took a hankering for some good eats at the local Waffle House. I understand his desire for good vittles. When feeling a bit down, my wife and I go to our local Waffle House for a quick meal to restore our equilibrium. Where else in America (other than IHOP) can you get a five-star floor show after midnight from the other patrons?
The Waffle House is a place of many culinary wonders. It has more different delicious kinds of waffles than you can shake a stick at. Choose from Classic waffles, Chocolate chip waffles, Peanut butter chip waffles, or Blueberry waffles. If you want heartier fare, consider the Cheesesteak Melt Hashbrown Bowl, the Sausage Egg & Cheese Grits Bowl, the Texas Chicken Melt sandwich, the Chicken Fiesta Protein Bowl, or the Ham, Egg, & Cheese Hashbrown bowl. You cannot go wrong with any of these fine options.
Now, back to Gregg’s Big Adventure. Gregg was at home with the family when the lure of the Waffle House suddenly struck him.
He told his boys, “I was gonna go to the Waffle House to get some Waffle House. I ended up at a Waffle House about 50 miles away from where I was.” The boys asked him where he was.
“I said, ‘Waffle House in Rome, Georgia.’ And they said, “That’s not possible, you just left here a moment ago. But it was possible. It was real.’”
Gregg explained that he had been teleported after his car was “lifted up” and ended up in a ditch near a church some 40 miles away. After that startling trip, he said his car was teleported again to a Waffle House 50 miles away in Rome, Georgia.
Gregg does not recommend teleportation as a form of mass transit. He told the podcast, “Teleporting is no fun. You know it’s happening, but you can’t do anything about it, and so you just go along for the ride. And wow, what just an incredible adventure it all was.”
Words of wisdom.
Some mysteries remain unsolved. It remains unclear what delicious food Gregg ordered at the Waffle House or why the teleportation initially deposited his car in a ditch near a church before completing his odyssey to the Waffle House.
If Mr. Sulu had been operating the Transporter on the Star Ship Enterprise, perhaps Sulu would have been distracted momentarily by Tribbles or Lieutenant Uhura’s form-fitting uniform. We may never know. The staff at the Rome Waffle House was questioned, but denied seeing Gregg or anyone else teleported there on the night in question.
The possibility that Men in Black may have used a Neuralyzer to wipe out the staff’s memories of Gregg’s teleportation cannot be ruled out.
Unfortunately, there are skeptics doubting Gregg’s story. O ye of little faith. A pox on your houses. If Gregg said it, I believe it, and that settles it. Scorners may sneer at, and whitlings defame him.
Still, my heart swells with gladness whenever Gregg tells his story. Gregg defends his three-hour teleportation tour, writing on social media that “I know what I experienced and haters got to hate.”
I am proud to be an American, where at least I know Gregg is free to teleport to disaster areas to bring the healing hands of FEMA to bind up the nation’s wounds during hurricane season.
Sleep well, America. Even though Gregg was teleported to a ditch near a church, he persevered, completing his quest to dine at the Waffle House. You’re in good hands with Gregg in charge of FEMA.

(Illustration by Pitt Dickey)