Remember Donald Trump? Where has he gone? I miss him. Way back before President Obi whacked Osama bin Fishfood, the Donald was everywhere on the news spouting Birther bromides. The media loved Donald. The gooﬁ er the pronouncements he made, the more air time he got. We saw more of The Donald than of Flo the Insurance Gal with the ruby red lips. Then Osama had his night time visit from the Navy Seals. Osama went to join Don Corleone’s favorite hitman Luca Brasi sleeping with the ﬁ shes. The ﬁckle American media abruptly forgot about the Donald. It was all Dead Osama, all the time. The end of media focus on the Donald was a terrible loss for America. Clearly the American Presidency and The Donald’s fates are intertwined like hotdogs and nitrates.
Donald Trump is the one who can bring us all together. As Rodney King once said, “Can’t we all just get along?” Yes, we can. The Donald is the one to bring about that consummation devoutly to be wished. You may have noticed, there is a bit of division in America between the left and the right. I have a highly Republican friend, whom I shall call Ben, who ﬂ ies on the far right wing side of life. Ben was a Birther before being a Birther was cool. Ben and I have never agreed on anything involving politics. Not once. Not even slightly. I am a big fan of President Obi and suspect he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Ben suspects President Obi is a Socialist Communist Fascist Kenyan Muslim Space Invader from Planet Nine from outer space. Our political discussions usually end up with us each convinced the other has fallen off the narrow bridge of reason into the yawning abyss of hallucinatory thinking.
But due to the miracle of Donald Trump, now both Ben and I ﬁnally agree on something in politics. It is another Festivus Miracle! We both want Donald Trump to be the Republican nominee for President. Our reasoning as to why we want The Donald to be the nominee may vary but our goal is the same. We want The Donald to be the Republican standard bearer.
I was very concerned when President Obi ﬁ nally produced his long form Hawaiian birth certiﬁ cate. Perhaps Trump’s embarrassment on learning that his Birther issue was fake would cause The Donald to fade into the presidential woodwork with Lyndon LaRouche. How wrong could I be? According to Ben, I’m pretty wrong, most of the time. A lesser man, or even a man capable of embarrassment would be chastened for appearing to be a moron when Obi ﬁ nally got around to producing his birth certiﬁ cate and erasing the Birther issue. Our man Donald was not deterred. He puffed up with a second wind and took full credit for proving President Obi was not born on the Planet Kenya.
Trump’s next step was to take on the President’s grades in college. Yep, per the Trumpster, President Obi ended up being the President of the Harvard Law Review due to afﬁ rmative action. According to Trump, we have an afﬁrmative action American President. Despite the loss of the Birther card, Trump has already reframed his Obi assault to manufacture an exciting new issue. Trump is now leading the newly renamed Afterbirthers in their never ending effort to delegitimate President Obi, this time based on his college grades. The Afterbirthers’ work is never done, they just move seamlessly from one bogus issue to the next. Trump is now the High Commissioner of the Afterbirthers in their shiny new assault against President Obi.
Trump, he’s dumber than Palin. He’s got more bizarre theories than Newt Gingrich. He’s got more hair than Tim Pawlenty. He’s tanned and rested. He’s ready to go. He’s just the right guy for the Republican nomination. If Trump doesn’t get the Republican nomination, he is poised to run for President as the Placenta Party nominee composed of Afterbirthers, Tea Party true believers and Moon Landing deniers.
Bless you Donald Trump for the column material I am about to receive.
Photo: Donald Trump