pittToday we shall journey into one of the darkest regions of social media. The highly excitable and overly caffeinated world of Facebook’s Politics Zone. There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man or woperson. It’s a dimension as vast as Chris Christie’s waistline, as timeless as infinity and as full of insane theories as Fox News. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between reason and irrationality. It lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his paranoia. You have just crossed over into the Facebook Politics Zone.

The Politics Zone is where people go to spout their wildest theories, end their oldest friendships and use more exclamation points and BOLD FACE CAPITAL LETTERS than the law allows. Nothing is calm in the Politics Zone. Everything is urgent and game changing. Like newspeak in Orwell’s 1984, the Facebook Politics Zone has its own language. Let us take a walk down Facebook lane and see what’s lurking behind the latest picture of Hillary or The Donald. There is a random political phrase generator that the Facebook Illuminati use to hype their most shrieking political posts.

Like Rudy Begonia, do these Political Zone phrases strike a familiar note? “Nobody saw this coming!” Trump “unleashed a BRUTAL history lesson.” Watch the attached video because “this changes everything!” (Humble columnist’s note: the video never changes anything, but it does elevate the self image of the poster of said video.) My candidate “drops a TRUTH BOMB and boy does it smart!” A variation on the truth bomb is to drop “an EPIC truth bomb,” which is several megatons more convincing than a conventional truth bomb. My candidate ‘tells the BLUNT truth” about your candidate. The version of truth being pushed by my candidate is “BLOWING UP the Internet!” The brilliance of my candidate’s statement has caused the opposing candidate “to STAGE A HISSY FIT!” Frankly, there is little more entertaining than watching a political opponent staging a hissy fit. After the invention of Depakote, who even knew that anyone still staged hissy fits ? Personally, I would walk a mile to see someone stage a hissy fit. As the old saying goes, “If the hissy fits, wear it.”

A Poltics Zoner who disagrees with a politician posts something that “SHUTS him down.” 

The Donald issues a statement that causes “Hillary to be ON THE ROPES.” “Hillary is FUMING!” In response, Hillary who “might not have seen it coming!,” “issues “a HUGE statement” that “BLOWS AWAY” The Donald. In response, The Donald “slaps Hillary with a BIG surprise!” The Donald releases a “GROUNDBREAKING massive secret that could BE THE END” for Hillary. Hillary’s “response reveals everything!” Trump counters with the charge that “This woman IS NOT FIT to be President!” The Democratic Party releases a “prediction that TORCHES and DESTROYS Trump’s chance to be elected.”

Upon seeing a Political Zone posting, many Facebookers are so overwhelmed with anger/joy/ amazement/ stupification/sadness that they confess, “I LOST it!” after seeing whatever it was. On Facebook, political emotions are not worn on one’s sleeve, but on one’s typing fingers. My candidate, who has “had ENOUGH” of your candidate’s stupid twaddle, just issued a statement “that DISMANTLES” everything your candidate ever said, thought or did. The last thing your opponent said “SHOCKED the nation!” But just wait until my candidate provides your candidate “with a NASTY surprise!”

On Facebook, there is no middle ground. There is no room for the possibility that political opponents could be well intentioned, human or even have a logical point or two. People who think differently from you are the anti-Christ. 

Politics Zone posters adhere to Johnny Mercer’s advice, “Don’t mess with Mr. In-Between.” 

A particularly unflattering picture of your opponent is captioned “I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING!” Obama “should be EVICTED from the White House!” And so it goes.

If you have managed to read all the way through today’s contribution to world literature, this column has a value added bonus in the form of a valuable stock market tip. Sell all your stocks, bonds, gold and baseball cards, and invest in exclamation points!!! and BOLD FACE CAPITAL LETTERS. It is only a matter of time before the Illuminati of Facebook use up all the known supply of exclamation points and BOLD FACE CAPITAL LETTERS. Buy printing presses that only produce digital exclamation points and BOLD FACE CAPITAL LETTERS. Once the current supply is used up, the price of these two commodities will sky rocket. If you don’t take my advice, YOU ARE A POOPY HEAD!


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