glutenNow, let us praise famous Glutens. Once upon a time in America, we didn’t know Glutens existed. We now know there are many things seen and unseen. We blissfully ate Glutens without realizing they were minions of the evil Lord Glutomon. Who knew Pokemons surrounded us ? Pokemon-Go’s creation resulted in herds of zombie-like Pokemon hunters wandering city streets and falling off cliffs. The Haldron Super Collider confirmed that the universe is filled with invisible Dark Matter. Dieticians determined Glutens are everywhere and they are bad for us.

The great Smokey Robinson was first to warn America about the dangers of Glutens clogging up our intestinal tracts in his song, “The Tracks of My Tears.” Because of the great power of Lord Glutomon, Smokey had to put his musical warning in coded language to avoid being smitten by the forces of Gluten. Recent archeological digs in Motown unearthed the original lyrics to “The Tracks of My Tears,” which clearly reveal Smokey’s warning to us. Read and learn: “People say I’m the life of the party/ Cause I eat a pizza or two/ Although I may be laughing loud and hearty/ Deep in my small intestine, I’m blue/ If you see me with a gluten-free ice cream cone/ Acting like I’m having fun/ Although the cone may be cute/ It’s just a substitute/ Whole wheat, you’re the only one/ Take a good look at my plate/ You’ll see my ham on rye looks out of place/ Now look closer, its easy to trace/ The gastrointestinal tracts of my tears.”

Consider the fate of dinosaurs. They were here yesterday, gone tomorrow. Paleontologists in league with Lord Glutomon promoted a cover story that dinosaurs were wiped out by a comet striking the earth, creating a global ice age. Dinosaurs, not being equipped with anti-freeze, fell over in the cold like so many Republican candidates for president facing the wrath of “The Donald.” As Sportin’ Life sang in Porgy and Bess, “It ain’t necessarily so/ The things that you’re liable to read in the Paleontology Bible ain’t necessarily so.” It was Glutens that killed the beasts. Remember the scene in King Kong after our big ape fell off the Empire State Building? The cop standing over the body of the King, said “Well Denham, the airplanes got him.” Denham replied, “Oh no, It wasn’t the airplanes. It was beauty that killed the beast.” Oh no, it wasn’t the comet. It was Gluten that killed the dinosaurs.

If Glutens can kill off the mighty T-Rex, what might they do to the innards of unsuspecting Americans? An entire food industry has sprung up to promote and produce Gluten Free food.

Grocery stores have aisles full of Gluten Free food. What is happening to the Glutens that are being removed from the foods? Where are these free range Glutens ending up? An unsubstantiated rumor says that large quantities of extracted Glutens are being dumped into Duke Power’s coal ash ponds. The Glutens then bond with 

the arsenic, heavy metals and general cooties produced by Duke Power. North Carolina’s environment, after years of neglect by the Republican General Assembly and Governor McCrory, has become a Gluten for punishment.

Like any movement, the Anti-Gluten crowd has spawned an opposition group. The pro-Gluten advocates formed Gluten Lives Matter to promote equality for Glutens. GLM has been holding rallies in favor of donuts, wheat bread and porcupine meat balls. The GLM’s goal is to fight culturally insensitive attacks on Glutens by raising Gluten’s image through the use of social media and civil disobedience. America’s medical establishment is doing its best to discriminate against Glutens. The sense of self worth for Glutens has been severely damaged by a constant barrage of micro aggressions by the Gluten Free bigots.

In an effort to raise awareness of the value of Glutens, the GLM has begun personal empowerment classes for Gluten based foods. These classes are designed to raise Glutens to a level of universal equality with the five basic food groups: Salt, Fat, Nicotine, Caffeine and Sugar. GLM is seeking recognition from the U.S. Justice Department as a federally protected class. Such a designation would allow Glutens to be able to require safe spaces on college campuses where hurtful speech about Gluten free diets would be prohibited.

GLM’s slogan is “No Pizza, No Justice.” GLM will soon be blocking the organic produce aisle of your local super market. You can contribute to the important work of GLM through its Go Fund Me campaign. Or you can turn the page. Only you can prevent Gluten discrimination. Free the Gluten, not Gluten Free. 

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