Who won? When both of my readers skim this column, they will know the results of the presidential election. This stain upon world literature is scribbled one week before the election in the foggy dew of uncertainty. Once the election results become final, half the country is going to be happy as a barrel of drunken clams. The other half is going to be enraged. This doesn’t sound like an outcome devoutly to be wished for America. Unfortunately, stuff happens. If Hillary wins, The Donald will fuss and moan piteously about the election being rigged and refuse to concede. If The Donald wins, Hillary will give a grudging concession speech and huddle with her advisors to get ready to run again in the 2020 presidential election. Whatever the result of the election, neither The Donald nor the Clintons are ever going to go away until Time’s Winged Chariot calls them home to their reward.
While I cannot predict the winner of the election, I can with 100 percent certainty point out the losers of the election. The biggest losers are our old buddy James Comey and the FBI. Big Jim is the current and likely temporary head of the FBI who dropped his Hillary Email Bomb Letter eight days before the election. Big Jim managed to torque off The Donald with his original non-indictment of Hillary in July. Jim then turned on Hillary with his toxic Eight Day Letter intimating that Huma’s email could mean the Big House instead of the White House for Hillary. The Donald’s supporters went from cursing the very ground upon which Big Jim slithered upon when he made his first speech explaining why he didn’t charge Hillary to heaping praise on him for his Eight Day letter. Hillary’s supporters pirouetted from praising Big Jim’s honesty, judgment and parentage for not charging Hillary to calling him ugly names for attempting to sway the election in Trump’s favor by releasing his Eight Day letter.
Those of you of a certain age may recall a 1964 political paranoia movie called Seven Days in May. There are certain parallels with Big Jim’s Eight Day letter and Seven Days in May. In the movie, the president signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with the Commies. The treaty is highly controversial. The president’s political opponents and the military are strongly opposed to the treaty because, after all, who can trust the Commies? It turns out the Joint Chiefs of Staff are so opposed to the treaty they decide to stage a military coup and toss the president and the Constitution into the flaming dumpster of history. In order to save the Constitution, it was necessary to destroy the Constitution. Big Jim is playing the part of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in our current election. Let us hope the aftermath of this election will not be as ugly as in Seven Days in May.
The dazzling metamorphosis of Big Jim from hero to goat, depending on whether you are a Donald or Hillary fan, as Larry David would say was, “Pretty, pretty dramatic.” It reminded me of the old sayings about our bovine friend, the ox. Reality depends solely upon whose ox has fallen into the ditch. If Big Jim’s Eight Day letter pushed Hillary’s ox into the ditch, The Donald is one happy dumpster fire. If Big Jim’s non-indictment of Hillary pushed The Donald’s ox into the ditch, Hillary is free to resume ignoring the rules from the Oval Office. Another ox parable states that reaction to events depends on whose ox was gored. If your ox is gored, that’s okay. My ox gets gored? Not okay. Al Gore’s ox got gored in Florida when the Supreme Court appointed Bush president. Al took it like a trouper and didn’t create a constitutional crisis saying: “Thank you, Mr. 5 to 4 decision, may I have another?”
Pondering bovine wisdom got me thinking deeply about the mystical power of the letters O and X. Why is this combination of letters so powerful? What does Ollie, Ollie oxen free mean? Paul Bunyan’s pet, Babe the Blue Ox is clearly a Democrat. The way many people relieve pain and become addicted to Big Pharma’s drugs is through Oxycotin and Oxycodone. The letters used in Tic, Tac, Toe are O and X. Coincidence? I think not. As Bob Dylan, the Nobel Laureate, sang: “There is something happening here, and you don’t know what it is. Do you, Mr. Jones?”
What is the difference between an ox and a cow? This leads to a vegan concern about what is the difference between a yam and a sweet potato.Would an ox by any other name smell as sweet? Cowabunga! Will no one rid me of this meddlesome election?