Do things seem a bit amiss? Is the plumb bob of history askew? The Thanksgiving turkey coma morphed into the warm glow of sharpened shoppers’ elbows of Black Friday followed by the carpal tunnel syndrome of Cyber Monday, leaving us deep in the holiday season. Is there a direct line between recent news events that can make sense of it all? Let us begin by recalling Bob Dylan’s musical question, “There’s something happening here, and you don’t know what it is. Do you, Mr. Jones?” Can we help Mr. Jones figure out what is happening?
I knew there was a disturbance in the Force while watching the UNC - Michigan State basketball game being called by UCLA goofball Bill Walton. Listening to Walton blather on about anything but the basketball game in front of him reminded me of listening to Eddie Haskell tell Mrs. Cleaver what a lovely dress she was wearing. It was bad enough that UNC was getting creamed on the court, but the rancid frosting on the horse puck was having to listen to Walton pontificate about whatever non-basketball thought crossed his mind. I would rather have a root canal without benefit of anesthesia than listen to Walton free associate. There are a lot of things wrong in the world right now. Walton calling a Carolina game is right at the top of the list.
Changing gears, switch to Sweet Home Alabama where would-be Senator and teenage-girl-fan Roy Moore has been fending off angry women accusing him of being a pedophile and purveyor of unwanted gropes. Moore denies everything. He says he always got permission from the girls’ mothers before dating teenagers. Moore’s denial is enough for The Donald, who would rather have a pedophile in the Senate than a Democrat. Roy’s proclivities have created a colorful scenario in which Ivanka Trump was quoted as saying, “There is a special place in hell for people who prey on children.” She sees no reason to doubt what the women are accusing Roy of doing. This sets up a problem with Dear Old Dad who wants Roy in the Senate to set a sterling moral example for America’s youth. News reports say The Donald is irritated at Ivanka for her criticism of Roy. We will see if The Donald will fire his daughter.
Meanwhile, as if on cue from Ivanka, crazed ’60s cult killer Charles Manson finally left the building at age 83. Apparently, when Charlie croaked, he went to prepare that special place in hell for Roy, where they can both barbecue over a flaming lake of gluten- free fire for eternity. Charlie always liked the ladies, so scheduling his demise to coincide with Ivanka’s plans for Roy was probably Charlie’s way of trying to curry favor with the First Daughter. Charlie doesn’t surf, but he can roast.
Thanks to Harvey Weinstein priming the pump, we have a whole host of men from both the left and right who have been caught with their pants down in connection with unwanted sexual acts. Al Franken, The Donald, Bill Cosby, Louis C.K., Charlie Rose, Kevin Spacey, Mark Halperin – the list gets longer by the day. Too many to name, so we shall focus briefly on Congressman John Conyers, who sometimes shows up in his jammies at public events.
Conyers settled a suit by a former employee who accused him of firing her after she refused his sexual advances. Conyers paid her $27,000 of your tax dollars to shut up and go away. She took the money and signed a nondisclosure agreement. Are you happy Congress can use your tax dollars to pay people to forget Congressional sex abuse? Do you think Conyers is the only Congressdude who has been bothering women? If you do, I have a lovely beachfront lot on the moon I would like to sell you.
Even the earth is angry at sexually abusive men – as evidenced by Mount Agung in Bali. Ms. Agung recently launched a 13,000-tall cloud of ash into the sky in sympathy with Roy Moore’s accusers. It is not nice to fool with Mother Nature. Mount Agung is part of the Pacific Ring of Fire, which has 140 active volcanoes assembled in tribute to Johnny Cash’s immortal song about the pitfalls of lust, “Ring of Fire,” with the great lyrics, “I fell into a burning ring of fire/I went down, down, down/And the flames went higher/And it burns/ burns/ burns/ The ring of fire/The ring of fire.”
Be on the lookout for Roy Moore and his buddies standing on the edge of Mount Agung getting ready to jump in to find that special place in hell that Ivanka predicted. It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.