Recent world news events from Helsinki reminded me of Aunt Pitty Pat Hamilton’s great line in “Gone with the Wind” as the Northern army is about to invade Atlanta. Aunt Pitty is getting ready to lam out of town when a large explosion shakes the ground. Pitty shrieks, “Yankees in Georgia! How did they ever get in?”
Guess who’s coming to dinner at the White House this fall? Putin in the Oval Office. How did he ever get in? As Jules in “Pulp Fiction” would say, “Allow me to retort. What does Vladimir Putin look like?” He looks like the new boss. Same as the old boss. Herein lies my wildly speculative analysis of what’s happening under the rocks in Washington, D.C.
Unless you have personally been living under a rock at the outskirts of town, you probably saw Our Dear Glorious Very Stable Genius President standing next to Putin in Helsinki after their Double Secret Summit. They agreed to put NATO and Western Europe on Triple Totally Unsecret Probation. Dear Leader stood at attention beside Putin after being questioned about whether Russia had interfered with the American election. Dear Leader announced, “I will tell you that President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today.” Our Dear Leader didn’t say it, but his thought balloon said: “And in addition, President Putin is a manly man, a thing of beauty to behold, and I really, really hope he asks me to the prom.”
There has been much speculation about what happened in the Double Secret meeting between Dear Leader and Putin. No one really knows, not even Dan Coats, the director of national intelligence – at least he was the director at the time of this writing; he may be given the James Comey bum’s rush by the time this stain on world literature hits print.
Some might think the director of national intelligence ought to know what is happening at the highest levels of security in the American government. Some would then be wrong. It’s a secret that only Dear Leader and Putin know. The rest of the world – and we American peons – will have it sprung upon us on a need-to-know basis.
This does gives rise to the opportunity to imagine all sorts of things that Dear Leader promised to do for Putin in return for Putin keeping his mouth shut about whatever dirt he has on Dear Leader. Let us commence to wildly speculate.
Despite widespread condemnation of Dear Leader’s failure to stand up for American intelligence agencies and law enforcement while kissing Putin’s ring, Dear Leader invited Putin to the White House for round two of his performance review. Putin is coming to Washington this fall on an inspection tour of his newly acquired property at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The usual unreliable sources have revealed that in honor of Putin’s visit, Dear Leader is going to have the White House literally turned upside down like the Upside-Down House at Broadway at the Beach in Myrtle Beach. The White House will be painted red in Putin’s honor and will remain upside down and red throughout the rest of Dear Leader’s time in office.
Another unfounded rumor has it that the reflecting pool in front of the Washington Monument will be drained and filled with Stolichnaya Vodka.
One of the Double Secret Summit’s deals was to have the Russian Secret Police interrogate Michael McFaul, the former U.S. Ambassador to Russia, for possible crimes against the Commies. Unfortunately, this deal fell through when American public opinion turned against having an American diplomat submitted to the tender mercies of Russia’s intelligence agency. Putin must be mollified for the loss of getting an American diplomat to twist slowly, slowly in the Moscow wind. The rumor mill has it that Dear Leader will send Hillary Clinton, James Comey, Dan Coats and a future undisclosed draft choice to a Gulag in Siberia to be debriefed by the GRU, Russia’s military intelligence service. As a consolation prize for not getting Ambassador McFaul, Putin will absorb Montenegro, Freedonia and The Grand Dutchy of Fenwick into the growth industry that is Russia in 2018.
Dear Leader has agreed to appoint Rufus T. Firefly as the new director of national intelligence and a hollow log as the director of the CIA, as both appointees have been carefully vetted and approved by Putin. So, keep watching your TV. An exciting fall season of Russian influence is coming to a ballot box near you.