Look out there on the horizon. No bigger than a man’s hand, see the small, dark cloud that is the annual gathering of your Thanksgiving relatives? They are coming to your house soon. Beware. Beware.
Today, we shall take a deep dive into the colorful world of Greek mythology in an effort to make you feel better about hanging out with your extended family over the Thanksgiving holiday. If you think your family has some troubling characters, consider the story of
Jason and the family issues he had. You may have to avoid talking about politics around the turkey dinner with crazy Uncle Lou. But when Jason hung out with his in-laws, relatives were carved instead of turkeys. Jason had a wicked Uncle Pelias who had Jason’s daddy and most of Jason’s relatives whacked so Pelias could be king. Jason’s mom, Alcimede, saved Jason as an infant by pretending Jason was stillborn. She realized Jason couldn’t live with her, so she sent him to be raised by a centaur named Chiron.
Being raised by a half horse/half man may have caused Jason some developmental issues.
When Jason was a grown man, he came back to Pelias’ court to claim his rightful throne. On the way back, Jason helped a little old lady cross a stream and lost his sandal. Turned out the little old lady was the goddess Hera in disguise. As Wonder Woman used to say in the comics, “Hera helped him.”
Uncle Pelias told Jason he could be king if he went on a quest to bring back the Golden Fleece. Never one to turn down a quest, Jason took the challenge.
Jason, Hercules, and his buddies who were called the Argonauts took the good ship Argo and set sail for adventure.
His first stop was the island of Lemnos, which was occupied only by women. The ladies of the island had irritated Aphrodite by not complimenting her enough. Aphrodite laid a spell on the ladies making them stink. The ladies smelled so rank that their husbands would have nothing to do with them. The husbands used this as an excuse to party down with some ladies of easy virtue from Thrace. Unfortunately, while the boys were asleep, their wives killed them. This proves that heck hath no fury like a smelly woman.
When Jason landed on Lemnos, their queen had finally found some good deodorant. She and Jason produced a set of twins. Turned out Poppa was a rolling stone. Jason skedaddled to his next stop, Bear Mountain, leaving the queen a single mom.
Jason then had a ruckus with some six-armed giants. One of his men, Hylas, got pulled into a stream by a bunch of half-nekkid nymphs and drowned.
Jason made it to the kingdom of Phineus, which was under siege by the Harpies. The Harpies have a woman’s head and body with bird wings and claws. They were stealing Phineus’ food. The old king was about to starve to death. Naturally, Jason killed the Harpies. Phineus started eating again and developed Type II diabetes for his troubles.
Finally, Jason arrived at Colchis where the fleece was kept by King Aeetes. The king promised to give the fleece to Jason if he completed three tasks. The King’s daughter, Medea, fell in love with Jason with a little help from Aphrodite’s son Eros. Medea would do anything for her man.
Job one was to plow a field with a herd of firebreathing oxen. Medea whipped up a potion of Sunblock SPF 10,000 to keep Jason from being burned by the flaming halitosis of the oxen.
Jason then had to plant an allotment of dragon’s teeth in the field. The teeth sprouted into armed warriors who wanted to kill Jason. Medea came up with a great plan. She told Jason to chunk a rock into the crowd of warriors. The warriors couldn’t tell where the rock came from and blamed each other. They ended up killing each other in a big bar room brawl.
At last, Jason had to snatch the Golden Fleece fromva dragon who never slept. Medea whipped up anvaerosol spray of early Ambien, which Jason squirtedvon the dragon, who fell fast asleep. Jason grabbed thevfleece and started to sail away with Medea. Her daddy,vKing Aeetes, was not happy and took after them.vMedea, to throw her daddy off the trail, chopped upvher brother Apsyrtus. She threw chunks of him intovthe ocean. This tactic distracted Aeetes, who stoppedvto pick up the pieces of his son, which were floating invthe sea. Jason and Medea were then able to high-tailvit back home with the fleece.
So, what have we learned today? Never ever mess with a woman named Medea or you may get an extreme makeover like Apsyrtus. Even if your wife needs a bath and smells a bit funky, if you want to keep living, buy nose plugs and stay away from women of relaxed social sensibilities. Finally, no matter who you vote for, Congress is going to keep fleecing you.
Now don’t you feel better about your own family?