And now almost live from Washington, D.C., is the report on my recent fact-finding trip to our nation’s capital. In an effort to distance ourselves from the ongoing slow-rolling horror that is Carolina’s football season, we headed out of town. Unfortunately, 300 miles from Chapel Hill was not enough to avoid the moral victory that befell the Tar Heels in the Dook game. The Heels lost the game to the evil Dooksters. However, the Heels did improve our record to one win and eight moral victories. Carolina’s football team now leads the nation in moral victories, a slim reed upon which we can cling as we face the final game of the season against Moo U. 

In keeping with the theme of moral victories, I would like to give a shout-out to our Dear Glorious Very Stable Genius Leader who tweeted on Election Night: “Tremendous success tonight. Thank you to all!” Dear Leader curiously found a tremendous victory by losing the House of Representatives to the Democrats. It turned out resistance is fertile. Despite precise gerrymandering, the House flipped, bringing back the Speaker’s gavel to Nancy Pelosi. As many of my Republican friends would say, “The horror. The horror.” 

Allow me to retort as Jules said in “Pulp Fiction.” Elections have consequences. As the Talking Heads on cable repeatedly say, “There is a lot to unpack here.” Let us robustly drill down into what it all means at the end of the day to see what’s it all about, Alfie. 

Dear Leader is like UNC football Coach Larry Fedora concerning the word victory. To quote Inigo Montoya from “Princess Bride, “You keep using that word – I do not think it means what you think it means.” 

In a spasm of lucidity, it occurred to me how much political speak and coach speak have in common. The event horizon between the two speaks is nonexistent. Consider George Orwell’s statement, “Political speech is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give the appearance of solidity to pure wind.” Now consider Fedora’s coach speak after yet another Carolina gridiron loss: “Our guys never gave up. We keep getting closer. I saw a lot out there I really liked. You have to give credit to the other team, they got the job done. I will have to go review the game film to see where we need to improve. Now excuse me while I update my resume. I have to meet with my financial advisor to determine how to invest my $12 million severance package.” 

  Both UNC football and Dear Leader’s administration are knee-deep in the Big Muddy and keep pushing on. Dear Leader skipped going to the U.S. military cemetery in France during the World War I commemoration because it was raining. The American soldiers buried there faced a lot worse than drizzle. Perhaps Dear Leader didn’t want to have a bad hair day. He was awarded the Morton Salt “When It Rains, It Pours” certificate of nonparticipation from the other world leaders who somehow managed to show up in the rain. Dear Leader loudly proclaims to be a supporter of the military but can’t pay his respects to American soldiers who made the ultimate sacrifice in France or even attend the Veterans Day ceremony at Arlington. As the King of Siam once said, “It is a puzzlement.” 

  So, what have we learned today? William Burroughs wrote, “Sometimes paranoia is just having all the facts.” I clearly do not have all the facts. Sometimes circumstantial evidence can be extremely strong, as when you find a fish in a bucket of milk. Under those circumstances, even though you didn’t see someone put the fish in the milk, it is reasonable to infer that someone put the fish in the milk. The fish did not swim into the bucket. To mangle Victor Hugo’s quote: “There is nothing so strong as a bad idea whose time has come.” 

  Gentle Reader, you may consider this entire column a bad idea. You could be correct. I submit that bad ideas have come to D.C. and Kenan Stadium. 

  In the classic movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” illegal space aliens landed in D.C., threatening destruction. Klaatu the Alien tells Earth “to live in peace or pursue your present course and face obliteration.” After Klaatu is killed, Gort can only be stopped by hearing the magic words: “Klaatu barada nikto.” 

  To quote Rodney King, “Can’t we all just get along?” 

  Will no one say “Klaatu barada nikto” in D.C. or Chapel Hill?