I have to admit it. Bob Mueller’s report missed the biggest Russian spy in the 2016 election. How can you miss a 3,500-pound, 18-foot-long Commie Olympicclass swimmer? This Russian spy is the size of the SUV that Tony Soprano used to drive before his unfortunate last meal as James Gandolfini in Rome.
For once, I have to admit that Dear Leader President Trump’s followers are right. The fix from Hillary and Obama was in. Mueller ignored Hillary’s closest confidant, the James Bond of the Seven Seas, Hvaldimir the Beluga whale. Nothing in Mueller’s report mentions spying on Dear Leader’s campaign by Hvaldimir. The lid of the Democratic cover-up is blown all the way to the Arctic Circle. Hvaldimir now is the most famous Russian spy since Col. Rosa Kleb defected from SMERSH to join SPECTRE in the second James Bond Movie, “From Russia With Love.”
Unless you were living under a rock, you will have seen the news about Hvaldimir the Beluga whale who worked in the Russian Secret Undersea Special Forces. For those of you who may have had some sedimentary rock overhead, here is a brief update on the fascinating story Hvaldimir.
Last month, the Hvaldimir was the Beluga spy who came out of the cold. Hvald, as his friends call him, defected to the West in the icy waters of Norway near the island of Rolvosoya. Despite Russian brainwashing attempts, Hvald remained a friendly guy. He will come up to mere humans when called by Norwegians.
Unlike most Beluga whales, Hvald was not skinny dipping. He was wearing a leather harness on which were written the fateful words “Equipment — Saint Petersburg.” It is pretty obvious Hvlad was not from St. Petersburg, Florida, as he squeaked in Russian and not in Spanish. This narrowed his origin down to Commie Land. Observers were quick to point out that his harness was well-suited for mounting a camera or a weapon. Putting two rubles and two rubles together, it quickly became obvious the Commies had rigged Hvald up to be a spy.
The Russkies have an animal re-education facility at Murmansk where they have publicly bragged of teaching sea lions, Beluga whales and seals to do undercover, underwater spying and worse. Clearly, Hvlad was a graduate of the Murmansk Academy of Aquatic Mammals as he is well-trained and can do tricks on command.
The cover story leaked by the Commies was that Hvald served as a pet and escaped from a therapeutic center for underprivileged Russian children. This explanation sounds suspiciously phony — like the cover story that the secret meeting in Trump Tower between Don Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner and some Commies was actually about Russian adoptions and not to gather dirt on Hillary.
In reality, the MAAM project is much more like the SPECTRE training camp where Grant, James Bond’s nemesis in “From Russia with Love,” is chosen by Col. Kleb to assassinate Bond. Nothing good happens in Russian training camps for either Beluga whales or would-be assassins.
Not every aquatic animal can be a graduate of MAAM. Only the strong survive and graduate. Consider poor Charlie the Tuna who was a MAAM school dropout after first being rejected by StarKist tuna.
You might remember Charlie in his TV commercials. Charlie desperately wanted to be a StarKist tuna. He was so anxious to be in a StarKist tuna can that he wore a beret and fake glasses to look like a beatnik so StarKist would think he had “good taste.” Charlie would get a rejection note saying “Sorry Charlie” from StarKist on a fishhook. The voiceover would attempt to ease Charlie’s rejection blues by telling him: “Sorry Charlie, StarKist is not looking for tuna with good taste, but rather for tuna that tastes good.” Charlie was a good sport about the whole rejection thing and ended his commercials by telling people to go out and buy StarKist tuna and “Tell ’em Charlie sent you.”
The news has been suspiciously quiet about what has happened to Hvald since his discovery as a former Russian spy. For your eyes only: Has he been arrested? Traded for Bill Clinton? Sent to the gulag of Sea World? Shredded into StarKist Beluga cans? Like the Kingston Trio’s famous song about Charlie on the Metropolitan Transit Authority, his fate is still unknown. He may swim forever neath the seas of Norway. He’s the Beluga who never returned.
So, what, if anything, have we learned today? As usual, not much. Five minutes of your life wasted. But here is a podiatry self-defense tip. If you are ever in the same room with Col. Rosa Kleb and she tries to kick you with her poisoned switchblade shoe, pick up a chair like a lion tamer and keep her away from your shins. If you can avoid her kick, remember you only live twice.