Some wise person once said there are no coincidences. By coincidence, I can’t remember who said it. But since someone said it, I believe it, and that settles it.
I began thinking about coincidences with the confluence of the visit to Japan of our very own Dear Extremely Stable Genius Leader over the Memorial Day weekend, which also coincided with the biggest weekend for mattress sales in the known universe. For reasons known only to mattress factory owners, Memorial Day weekend is the Super Bowl for sales on oddly named and expensive mattresses. We shall explore the mysteries of the timing of mattress sales in more depth a few paragraphs down if you can tolerate reading the entire column.
But back to Dear Leader’s visit to Japan. Little Rocket Man, as Kim Jong Un was known before he and Dear Leader fell in love, after an 18-month hiatus recently launched two shortrange ballistic missiles. Some people who are paid to think about such things for a living have suggested that Kim fired his rockets as a cranky message to our Dear Leader that their love affair has not yet ripened into a sanctionfree North Korea. Even the noted pacifist John Bolton, the nominal national security adviser, said publicly that Kim’s rocket show violated the UN’s resolutions, which barred North Korea from launching missiles.
Dear Leader ignored Bolton’s observation that launching of the missiles was a provocation. The Pentagon also took the position that the launches were violations. Unfazed, Dear Leader sided with Kim against his own administration. No big deal.
Dear Leader explained “My people think it could have been a violation, as you know, I view it differently. There have been no ballistic missiles going out. There have been no long-range missiles going out. And I think that someday we’ll have a deal. I’m not in a rush.”
The prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe, who was next to Dear Leader, was more concerned, saying: “North Korea has launched a short-range ballistic missile. This is violating the Security Council resolution.” Abe is concerned, as Japan is in easy nuking range of North Korea’s missiles. Abe may be a worry-wart, but a missile by any other name would smell as sweet.
What are we to make of Dear Leader’s siding with Kim against the advice of the Pentagon and Bolton? As the King of Siam once said to Anna, “It is a puzzlement.”
Fortunately, I may have an explanation derived from Greek mythology and our old friend Icarus. Icarus’ daddy, Daedalus, was a handy guy around the workshop. King Minos of Crete had Daedalus build the labyrinth where the king imprisoned a Minotaur. The Minotaur is half man, half bull — and hungry all the time. The King didn’t want Daedalus and Icarus to spill the beans on how to get in and out of the labyrinth, so he locked them up in a tower.
Daedalus wasn’t happy about being imprisoned, so he made sets of wings for Icarus and himself. The wings were made of feathers stuck together with wax. The wings worked fine.
Daedalus warned Icarus not to fly too close to the sun as the wax would melt and the wings fail. Like most teenagers, Icarus didn’t pay much attention to what his dad said. Sure enough, Icarus started cutting fool when he was flying. He flew too close to the sun. His wings melted and down Icarus went into the sea, where he met a watery death. Bummer.
Now what does this have to do with Dear Leader’s love affair with Kim, you might ask if you have gotten this far. Dear Leader has been warned by his version of Daedalus — his advisers and the Pentagon — not to gettoo close to Kim. Like Icarus and the sun, Dear Leader has flown too close to Kim. Dear Leader even went out of his way on foreign soil to agree with Kim that presidential frontrunner Joe Biden was a “Swampman and a low-IQ individual.”
As someone said, love is blind. Dear Leader’s love for Kim is blind. You may be a murderous dictator, but if you criticize an enemy of Dear Leader, he will fly right up to you. What could go wrong?
As to the mattress sales that coincided with Dear Leader’s flight to the North Korean sun, consider the names of mattresses on sale. Most people consider a mattress a fairly mundane item. However, some branding geniuses came up with mattress names that sound more like fine wines or exotic sports cars. Imagine the safe and restful sleep you could get on the following mattresses: Cheswick Manor Bellefonte Pillow Top mattress, Performance Hybrid Trust II Reservoir III Luxury Plush, Hybrid Copper II Plush, Three Pools III Ultra Firm, Premium Achieving Luxury Firm, Premium Exuberant Luxury, Highgate Cushion Plus Hybrid, Rockwell Luxury Plush Euro Pillow Top, Airewood Karpen Wilshire Luxury Firm, Grandbed 7400, or the Kingsdown Wibraham Luxury Eurotop Hybrid. Makes me sleepy just thinking about it.
Even if Dear Leader gives away the farm while flying too close to Kim or Putin, America will always win the luxury mattress race, even if we have to use a CPAP to enjoy it.