Have you noticed? Lots of things have been happening lately. Like Dick Halloran told Danny Torrance at the Overlook Hotel, “not all of them was good.” Kind of hard to avoid the Corona Cooties on the TV or in the produce section of the grocery store. But there have been some good things that have occurred that should give all of us hope for a brighter day tomorrow, or maybe Autumn 2021. So, let’s focus on the good stuff for the moment. Recall what Johnny Mercer once sang: “You’ve got to accentuate the positive/ Eliminate the negative/ And latch on to the affirmative/ Don’t mess with Mr. In-Between/.”
What is the most positive thing you can clutch to your bosom in this plague time? Consider Dear Leader’s best buddy North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Lots of gossip about Kim and his status as to whether he is healthy, lying in a permanent vegetative state floating in Hollandaise sauce or taking the dirt nap. As of the writing of this column’s assault on the intelligence of both my readers, to quote Winston Churchill, Kim’s health “is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.” The usual unreliable sources have it that Kim took America’s Dear Leader’s advice and tried the Clorox cure to get out of Corona’s grasp. The Clorox didn’t work out so well. Allegedly the insertion of an ultra-violet lamp into a southern orifice of the North Korean didn’t bring Kim around. Some sort of cardiac surgery was then attempted on the portly prince of communism, which also seems to have gone askew.
So, what, you ask, is positive about Kim’s medical misfortune other than it may be a bit more difficult for him to launch ICBMs at America while he is enjoying a coma? The good news, and excellent news it is, is that you are not the cardiology surgeon who operated on Kim. Kim does not seem inclined to be forgiving of much of anything. A botched heart surgery is not something Kim would take lightly if he ultimately survives. Things are quite likely to be bad for the surgeon, the surgeon’s family, the surgeon’s village, the surgeon’s neighbors, the surgeon’s dog and the surgeon’s goldfish. You may rejoice in the fact that you are none of these entities. Whatever sort of day you are having, no matter how stressful, it’s gonna be better than the surgeon’s day and anyone or anything connected to the surgeon.
There are other good things to be happy about. Consider following day brighteners as the late Ann Landers would counsel. While sheltering in place, the dogs playing poker are continuing their card games. The Bull Dog’s bluff has been called. He lost, and the other dogs at the table are convulsed with laughter at his pair of twos losing to a full house. Gotta love dogs playing poker.
The governor of Georgia is taking medical advice from his new science advisor, Rasputin, who told the governor to open up the tattoo parlors,and hair and nail salons. If you are in need of an emergency tattoo (and who isn’t?) you can hie yourself down I-95 to Georgia and get a battleship tattooed across your chest. Thank you, Gov. Brian Kemp, on behalf of “Your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be tattooed.”
Our old college buddy Flounder did not throw up in front of Dean Wormer. He threw up on Dean Wormer. Every time I see that scene in “Animal House,” tears of joy well up in my eyes. If you can think of that event and not laugh, you, my friend, do not have a heart. However, I know a surgeon in North Korea I can refer you to who is looking for new patients.
Unfortunately, the Clorox cure, the magical healing month of April, rectal internal lighting, and hydroxychloroquine turned out to be ineffective remedies for Corona. Dear Leader has instructed the CDC to cease trying to fix the boring and apparently insoluble problem of providing enough Corona tests. Instead, the CDC has been directed to look into the possibility of whether Slim Whitman yodeling songs could be used to destroy the Corona virus, which was so successfully done to destroy Martians in “Mars Attacks.” Many people are saying, “Sir, the Slim Whitman songs ‘Indian Love Call’ and ‘Paloma Blanca’ could be simultaneously played at full volume by all of the world’s radio stations and all Alexa and Google smart speakers, thereby causing the Coronavirus to explode.”
Dr. Birx will head up the Slim Whitman task force. She was last heard yodeling, “Una Paloma Blanca/ I’m just a bird in the sky/ Una Paloma Blanca/ Over the mountain I shall fly.”
Now, don’t you feel better already? Put on a happy face and smile brother, smile.