Ever hear the old saying “Heck hath no fury like a woman scorned”? There may be grain of truth the size of Mount Everest hidden in that proverb. If you have ever said to an angry woman, “Just calm down,” you are yet another clueless man. That helpful advice didn’t work, did it? Gentlemen, consider this column a learning experience to help you deal with women of the female persuasion.
Today we return to the land of Greek Mythology to visit our old friend Medea. She was not a woman to be trifled with. Actually, trifling with any woman is a good way to regret your birth. Medea was a mortal woman, but her granddaddy was Helios the Sun God. She had some pretty impressive magic powers, the most impressive of which was her skill at revenge. Think of Glenn Close on mega steroids in the movie "Fatal Attraction" and you begin to approach Medea.
History has given Medea a pretty bad rap. But she didn’t mean nothing by it. Medea fell in love with Jason who was the leader of the Argonauts. Jason had family troubles. His Uncle Pelias had killed Jason’s daddy who had been the King. Pelias sent Jason on a suicide mission to bring back the Golden Fleece in return for restoring Jason as King.
Jason knew he was going to need help on his quest. He also knew Medea had magic powers which could come in handy. Like Meat Loaf’s famous song “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” Medea and Jason were smitten by each other. Whoopie was about to be made. But as Jason neared home plate, Medea said: “Stop right there! / I gotta know right now! / Before we go any further/ Do you love me? / Will you love me forever? /
Do you need me? / Will you never leave me? / Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life? / Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?” Like many men before and since, Jason promised to marry her and love her forever until the end of time. Spoiler Alert: This will not work out well.
Jason had three tasks to get to the Fleece. First, he had to plow a field with a team of ornery fire-breathing oxen. Medea made him a magic skin cream poultice of Sunblock 9000 which kept him from getting burned by ox breath.
Next he had to sew the plowed field with Dragon Teeth. The problem with Dragon Teeth is they immediately sprout into armed psychotic soldiers who want to kill Jason. Medea saved Jason’s bacon by telling him to throw a rock into the soldiers. The soldiers then started killing each other instead of Jason.
The last task was to grab the Golden Fleece which was guarded by a dragon who never slept. Medea whipped up an ancient version of Ambien. Her Sleep Potion Number 9 put the dragon right into dream land, thus allowing Jason to flee with the Fleece.
Uh oh. Wouldn’t you know it? When Jason got the Fleece back to Uncle Pelias, the deal was off. Medea came up with a plot to have Pelias’ daughters kill him. Media got his daughters together and chopped up an old ram. She dropped the ram parts into a magic stew pot. Immediately, a young ram jumped out of the pot dazzling the daughters and going on to become UNC’s mascot Ramses. Thinking that their Daddy Pelias could use a return to his youth, they chopped up Pelias and put him in a pot. Unfortunately for Pelias, nothing happened but Dead King Stew.
Jason and Medea high-tailed it to Crete. They married, had kids, and lived happily for ten years until their love sell by date expired. Jason imitated "Mad Men’s" Don Draper. He fell in love and married Princess Glauce. Abandonment by Jason after she gave him the best years of her life did not sit well with Medea. Seemingly forgiving, she sent the newly wed Glauce a beautiful poisoned dress as a wedding present. Although the dress killed Glauce, it did give Putin his idea for poisoned Polonium tea.
Boiling the family bunny was not enough for Medea. Not content to be left alone in the castle with their kids, she was still mad at Jason. Medea murdered two of Jason’s sons as an act of revenge. She refused to let Jason bury the boys. She left town on a chariot pulled by flying dragons sent by her Granddaddy Helios taking the corpses of the boys with her. This is one angry lady.
So, what have we learned today? Jason would have done better to have taken Meat Loaf’s advice by staying with Medea and praying. Mr. Loaf advised: “So now I’m praying for the end of time/ To hurry up and arrive/ Cause if I got to spend another minute with you/ I don’t think that I can really survive/ Praying for the end of time/ So I can end my time with you.”
If you make a commitment, stick to it. You don’t want any chariots pulled by dragons showing up at your front door.