Want something new to worry about? Don’t have enough on your mind to keep you awake at 3 a.m.? Bored pondering the possible collapse of the banking system courtesy of the Silicon Valley Bank canary in the financial coal mine?
If you thought the “Cocaine Bear” was dangerous, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Instead of counting sheep, try counting Super Pigs.
The Canadian Super Pigs are coming. The Super Pigs have discovered the source of BBQ. They are not happy. Vengeance is mine, saith the Super Pigs. Porcine awareness of Southerners’ fondness for The Holy Grub, BBQ, has triggered an army of revenge seeking Super Pigs heading south from Canada.
Unsure what a Super Pig is? Allow me to elucidate about the origin of the species. Super Pigs are the intellectually gifted porcine version of ChatGPT Artificial Intelligence. No less an authority than Field and Stream magazine as quoted in Popular Mechanics lays out what is happening in the wonderful world of wild pigs. Naturally it involves man messing around with Mother Nature. As the old Chiffon margarine ad used to say: “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”
Our usually polite neighbors to the north created this exciting new problem. About 20 years ago, Canadian farmers got the bright idea to cross breed wild boars with regular industrial farm pigs to produce bigger pigs that could better tolerate cold temperatures. What they got were Super Pigs, who, like Yogi Bear, were bigger and smarter than the average pig.
All was well until the price of pork dropped. Canadian farmers were left with a bunch of hybrid savvy large pigs they could not sell for a profit. Like Tesla cars, not all of the implications of breeding Super Pigs were carefully considered. Instead of continuing to feed their Super Pigs, the farmers decided to let them run free into the Canadian wilderness.
Super Pigs in the wild do what Super Pigs in captivity do when the cable vision goes out. They make whoopee with other Super Pigs producing more herds of Super Pigs. Fun fact: a herd of pigs is called a Sounder. This factoid may come in handy if you are ever on “Jeopardy” and the category is Animal Herds.
As Super Pigs were fertile and multiplied, they began to move South without going through U.S. Immigration and Naturalization procedures. They are now in the great states of Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota and Michigan according to Field and Stream.
A spokesman for the Canadian Wild Pig Research Project (I am not making this up) said: “That they can survive in such a cold climate is one of the big surprises of this issue. Wild hogs feed on anything. They gobble up tons and tons of goslings and ducklings in the spring. They can take down a white tail deer, even an adult.”
If you see a Super Pig there is even a Canadian website to report sightings at “Squeal on Pigs”.
Unfortunately for humanity, Super Pigs have an excellent military leader named Colonel Pigasus leading their infiltration south into the U.S. Like Colonel Walter Kurtz in the movie “Apocalypse Now,” Colonel Pigasus is “out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable conduct. And he is still in the field commanding troops of Super Pigs.”
Field and Stream reports the Super Pigs have learned to avoid hunters by becoming nocturnal. The Sounders have learned when to “disperse making them harder to locate or change their patterns and retreat into forests and wet lands.”
These are no ordinary porkers. They are the Practical Pig on too many steroids. You would not like them when they are angry. Roid rage in a Super Pig is double plus ungood.
In the fight against the spread of Super Pigs, Canada has come up with a top secret defensive weapon Code Name: Judas Pig. Canadian Mountie Dudley DoRight and his troops catch Super Pigs and strap GPS monitors on them. Using the Catch-and-Release model used so successfully by INS at the border with Mexico, Judas Pigs are then released back into the wild.
Judas Pigs, using their superior intellect, will link up with the marauding free range Sounders. This allows Dudley DoRight to follow the GPS signal to track the Sounders. Once the Sounders are located, they are terminated with extreme prejudice. To protect Dudley from PETA and social media attacks, his mission does not exist and will never exist.
So, what have we learned today? Once again, not much, but something. Mother Nature will not be mocked. Baby pigs are proof that a lady pig looks good to a boy pig. Genetic engineering of wild boars and domestic pigs can lead to a shortage of BBQ.
You had better go to the Carthage International Airport Pik & Pig café as soon as possible because the Super Pigs are on their way. You never miss the BBQ until the Super Pigs come by.