Are you in a good humor today? Speaking of humor, pretty soon our special little guy RFK Jr is going to bring back the Four Humors of the Apocalypse. Step right up to admire RFK Jr’s Make America Medieval Again (MAMA) movement.
Return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear when medical science was ruled by the Medieval Times four humors – Black bile, Yellow bile, phlegm, and blood. Each humor represented a season and had to be in balance with each other.
Have you done your own research to convince yourself that medical science in the form of Dr. Fauci is pure evil? Do you think vaccines are the Devil’s work?
Then you are going to love MAMA. We don’t need no stupid medical science.
Secretary Kennedy’s MAMA movement will take us back to the good old days of Medieval medicine. Like Flounder said in Animal House before the Faber College homecoming parade: “Oh boy, this is going to be great!”
The current Administration has indicated that America can no longer afford Medicare and Medicaid. Wars, ball rooms, and reflecting pools cost money. To save tax dollars for more fun stuff, it is necessary to cut back on medical treatment for Americans.
Behold the new consolidated federal health program MedievalCare! It will cover all Americans. Fortunately, there is a wealth of medical practices from the Dark Ages which are eagerly waiting to be returned to prominence. They are cheap, rely on natural sources, and some might even work. Let the show begin. What does MAMA have in store for America?
MedievalCare! will bring back tried and true Medieval medical practices.
First up is the return of Leeches to cure what ails you. If your Doc thinks you have too much of the blood humor, he will starve a bottle of leeches for a couple of days. Slap those thirsty little guys on your body and watch “em go.
If the leeches didn’t work, then bloodletting is the next protocol; your barber will slice some gashes in your arm and let you bleed into a jug until you are healthy. In Medieval times, barbers were also surgeons. That’s why barber poles have red and white stripes. The red represents blood.
The white represents the bandages barbers used to cover their mistakes. Besides, barbers are cheaper and more plentiful than medical doctors. They have better stories too.
MedievalCare! can fix almost everything. Got a headache or depression? Hurry over to your barber/surgeon for an afternoon of Trepanning. Trepanning involved drilling a hole in your skull to let out bad stuff.
No more need for anesthesia. That is for sissies. The barber/surgeon will whip up a batch of Dwale to knock you out.
Dwale was based on an ancient Roman recipe of a happy mixture of boar bile, wild lettuce, opium, henbane, mandrake root, hemlock and wine. The patient drinks it until he passes out and the surgery begins. In some cases, the patient might even wake up after the surgery.
Pharmacists will be obsolete. Barber/surgeons will compound natural drugs. Moldy bread wrapped in spider webs cures infected wounds.
The dead bodies of criminals are great sources of healing medicine. Medieval executioners took the bodies of the departed and ground their bones into powder. They would render the fat of the deceased into a liquid, storing it in jugs marked Axung Hominis.
Mix in the ground-up bones. Then patients would rub it on aching arthritic or gouty joints as a salve. Many MedievalCare! patients won’t survive. There will be plenty of Axung Hominis to go around.
Snail syrup will return to cure sore throats, gastric ulcers, coughs, burns and serve as beauty products for Milady. Gather up a pound of snails in the garden in the early morning. Remove their shells.
Put them in a bag with a half pound of sugar. Hang them over a basin. The sugar will dissolve the snails. The gooey, sweet snail juices will drip into the basin, providing you a fresh batch of snail syrup.
Greek White is particularly versatile. Greek White is made from the white residue that forms on the outside of doggy poop.
Apply as a salve to cure tonsil pain, lung congestion, and to shrink tumors. Mouse poop is useful for curing intestinal worms. Stuff a puppy with snails, roast it, and you have the cure for lung congestion.
Got a cataract? Your barber/surgeon does a procedure called Needling. He pushes a needle into your eye to move your cornea down away from your pupil which is now clear but unable to focus. Fortunately, you can still work in the fields harvesting lettuce.
Our brave new world of MAMA and MedievalCare! is just around the corner. RFK Jr knows best. Medical Science is hokum. 
Love your MAMA.

(Illustration: Big MAMA loves you! By Pitt Dickey)