Tuesday, 05 May 2020
Written by Pitt Dickey
Have you noticed? Lots of things have been happening lately. Like Dick Halloran told Danny Torrance at the Overlook Hotel, “not all of them was good.” Kind of hard to avoid the Corona Cooties on the TV or in the produce section of the grocery store. But there have been some good things that have occurred that should give all of us hope for a brighter day tomorrow, or maybe Autumn 2021. So, let’s focus on the good stuff for the moment. Recall what Johnny Mercer once sang: “You’ve got to accentuate the positive/ Eliminate the negative/ And latch on to the affirmative/ Don’t mess with Mr. In-Between/.”
What is the most positive thing you can clutch to your bosom in this plague time? Consider Dear Leader’s best buddy North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Lots of gossip about Kim and his status as to whether he is healthy, lying in a permanent vegetative state floating in Hollandaise sauce or taking the dirt nap. As of the writing of this column’s assault on the intelligence of both my readers, to quote Winston Churchill, Kim’s health “is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.” The usual unreliable sources have it that Kim took America’s Dear Leader’s advice and tried the Clorox cure to get out of Corona’s grasp. The Clorox didn’t work out so well. Allegedly the insertion of an ultra-violet lamp into a southern orifice of the North Korean didn’t bring Kim around. Some sort of cardiac surgery was then attempted on the portly prince of communism, which also seems to have gone askew.
So, what, you ask, is positive about Kim’s medical misfortune other than it may be a bit more difficult for him to launch ICBMs at America while he is enjoying a coma? The good news, and excellent news it is, is that you are not the cardiology surgeon who operated on Kim. Kim does not seem inclined to be forgiving of much of anything. A botched heart surgery is not something Kim would take lightly if he ultimately survives. Things are quite likely to be bad for the surgeon, the surgeon’s family, the surgeon’s village, the surgeon’s neighbors, the surgeon’s dog and the surgeon’s goldfish. You may rejoice in the fact that you are none of these entities. Whatever sort of day you are having, no matter how stressful, it’s gonna be better than the surgeon’s day and anyone or anything connected to the surgeon.
There are other good things to be happy about. Consider following day brighteners as the late Ann Landers would counsel. While sheltering in place, the dogs playing poker are continuing their card games. The Bull Dog’s bluff has been called. He lost, and the other dogs at the table are convulsed with laughter at his pair of twos losing to a full house. Gotta love dogs playing poker.
The governor of Georgia is taking medical advice from his new science advisor, Rasputin, who told the governor to open up the tattoo parlors,and hair and nail salons. If you are in need of an emergency tattoo (and who isn’t?) you can hie yourself down I-95 to Georgia and get a battleship tattooed across your chest. Thank you, Gov. Brian Kemp, on behalf of “Your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be tattooed.”
Our old college buddy Flounder did not throw up in front of Dean Wormer. He threw up on Dean Wormer. Every time I see that scene in “Animal House,” tears of joy well up in my eyes. If you can think of that event and not laugh, you, my friend, do not have a heart. However, I know a surgeon in North Korea I can refer you to who is looking for new patients.
Unfortunately, the Clorox cure, the magical healing month of April, rectal internal lighting, and hydroxychloroquine turned out to be ineffective remedies for Corona. Dear Leader has instructed the CDC to cease trying to fix the boring and apparently insoluble problem of providing enough Corona tests. Instead, the CDC has been directed to look into the possibility of whether Slim Whitman yodeling songs could be used to destroy the Corona virus, which was so successfully done to destroy Martians in “Mars Attacks.” Many people are saying, “Sir, the Slim Whitman songs ‘Indian Love Call’ and ‘Paloma Blanca’ could be simultaneously played at full volume by all of the world’s radio stations and all Alexa and Google smart speakers, thereby causing the Coronavirus to explode.”
Dr. Birx will head up the Slim Whitman task force. She was last heard yodeling, “Una Paloma Blanca/ I’m just a bird in the sky/ Una Paloma Blanca/ Over the mountain I shall fly.”
Now, don’t you feel better already? Put on a happy face and smile brother, smile.
Tuesday, 05 May 2020
Written by Bill Bowman
Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and place your bets. In Las Vegas, Nevada, every smart gambler knows it’s not a good idea to bet against the House (Casino). The House is always bigger, more intelligent and has a lot more resources and staying power than you do. Hence, it will ultimately win. Or, more appropriately, you will eventually lose. This could be where the phrase “you should know when to quit” originated.
Many Americans are currently feeling that local, state and national governments are betting against the House as we wrestle our way out of the grip of this nasty COVID-19 pandemic. In this case, the House is America with its God-fearing inhabitants, who strongly believe in the Constitution of the United States and the Bill of Rights. It would be a sucker’s bet to wager on any person or group of people who, regardless of title or position, ignores and disregards the freedoms upon which this country was built. Yet they do.
I hope that by the time you read this article that North Carolina’s governor, Roy Cooper, has figured out that it’s time to quit acquiescing to half-truths and partisan gamesmanship and open up North Carolina’s businesses so people can get back to work, and more importantly, get on with their lives. Cooper, along with dozens of other governors and mayors across the country, is betting against the American people (the House) when it comes to subjecting them to the Draconian rules and regulations that have accompanied the “sheltering in place” edicts. What are they thinking? Or, are they thinking at all? Thank God we have a competent U.S. Attorney General in William Barr, who believes his job is to enforce the U.S. Constitution and protect the rights of American citizens. What’s really scary about this situation is that he is protecting us against the governors and mayors and bureaucrats across the country who have taken the same oath of office he did.
What are these people thinking? Are they so greedy, self-absorbed and drunk with power that they are oblivious to their obligations and responsibilities as elected officials? Are they so desperate that they are willing to lie, cheat and destroy our country just to gain power and authority over the American people? Well, it sure seems that way. We have witnessed far too many situations where government actions lack logic and lack common sense. Need examples? In New Jersey, where liquor and hardware stores are deemed “essential,” the governor, Phil Murphy, bans church gatherings. He even went as far as having 15 Jewish men arrested at a synagogue in April as part of coronavirus quarantine enforcement. When a reporter asked him if he was concerned about violating people’s constitutional rights or if he had heard of the Bill of Rights, he replied, “That’s above my pay grade ... I wasn’t thinking of the Bill of Rights when we
What? He wasn’t thinking of the Bill of Rights? Free speech? The right to assemble? Freedom of religion? And, this is a governor?
North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper had a similar brain cramp when he gave the executive order to limit outdoor social gatherings and activities and classified protesting as “nonessential activity.” Again, being drunk on power must be the only explanation for declaring the First Amendment as “nonessential activity.”
Hopefully, Cooper will follow the example of the more pragmatic government leaders and free North Carolina so people can go back to work. Then businesses can open back up and people can start earning a living again and getting their lives back.
The American people are smart; they are not willing to sit back and allow their constitutional rights to be trampled. You are betting against the House if you think Americans are going to accept or tolerate government drones flying overhead, digital surveillance or being told what to do, where to be and when to be there. The last 50 days could almost be a sneak preview into what it would be like living in a socialist or communist country. Bernie Sanders followers should feel proud.
With nearly 30 million people collecting unemployment and Congress taking a pass on working, I think we may not be able to buy our way out of this. The only solution is to let Americans do what they do best — work. Otherwise, if we keep throwing money at this problem, the cure could end up being worse than the disease.
Don’t bet against the House. Americans are tough and resilient. We are going through a rough period, fighting off two diseases. One, for which we are working on a cure, is on the surface. The second is from within our government. It is a disease caused by power, greed and selfishness of those we elected. The cure here is easy and much less complicated — we unelect those who have become diseased and replace them with people who genuinely want to make America great again.
Don’t bet against the House.
Thanks for reading Up & Coming Weekly.