This is going to be the greatest election year in history. Each presidential election the candidates tell us this is the most important election in the history of the Republic. It never is, but politicians like saying that. They think we forgot that the last election was supposed to be the most important one in the history of time. 2016’s election may not be the most important one, but it is certainly going to be more fun than all of the previous campaigns put together.
What is so rare as the 2016 presidential election? Let us count the ways. The contest between The Donald and Lyin’ Ted Cruz is more fun than a barrel of snakes, particularly for Democrats. Little warms the cockles of democratic hearts more than watching a Republican circular firing squad plunking away at each other. You can’t make up what is happening to Republicans. Former House Speaker John Boehner calls Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the Flesh.” “Lucifer in the Flesh” sounds like the name of a porn flick. For the moment, ponder Cruz in a porn flick. That’s long enough. Now try to get the thought of Cruz in a porn flick out of your mind. It can’t be unthought. Your psyche is scarred for life.
Ted is our very special little guy. His warm and fuzzy personality brings out the poetic in his coworkers. Senator Lindsey Graham said, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.” I first became aware that Ted might be the Zodiac Killer while watching Larry Wilmore tell jokes at the White House Correspondents Dinner. I was puzzled when Larry kept repeating that Ted was the Zodiac Killer. I missed the joke. After extensive research on Google, I learned many people believe that Ted is the Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer story has gotten so much play that Ted’s wife, Heidi, recently had to deny that Ted was the Zodiac Killer. When asked if her husband was in fact the famous serial killer, Heidi issued a carefully worded non-denial denial: “Well, I’ve been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is, so it doesn’t bother me at all. There’s a lot of garbage out there. Well, anyway a lot of people are swayed by it.”
This leaves the door open. Maybe it doesn’t bother her that Ted is the Zodiac Killer.
Sure enough, Ted does look like the police artist’s sketch of the Zodiac Killer. He fits the profile for a serial killer. He is a loner. The people who know him the best, his fellow senators dislike him intensely. Unfortunately, Ted was born in Canada in 1970. The Zodiac Killer killed his first victim in 1968. Unless Ted did some invitro murdering before he was even a gleam in his dad’s eye he is not the Zodiac Killer. Yet the rumor grows and grows. Republicans must answer the musical question: “Do we really want the Zodiac Killer to be President?”
Ted displayed a sociopath’s disregard for the rules of polite society by picking his Veep Carly Fiorina before winning the nomination. Carly is now on board the Cruz ship Titanic helping Ted rearrange the deck chairs before crashing into the iceberg that is The Donald’s hair.
Meanwhile back in North Carolina, it has been a delight to watch Governor McCrory twisting slowly in the wind in which the General Assembly left him to dangle while trying to explain our notorious House Bill 2. Watching McCrory’s interview with Megan Kelly defending HB 2 reminded me of something Mark Twain wrote. “A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.” McCrory is doomed to carry the HB 2 cat by the tail all the way to November’s election. McCrory told Megan, “I can’t believe we are still talking about this.” He is having a learning experience that is going to keep on teaching. The most recent Civitas poll has McCrory 10 points behind Democrat Roy Cooper, his opponent for governor.
Civitas is a conservative outfit which makes McCrory’s bad numbers remarkable.
As we all know, under HB 2, transgender people must use the bathroom on their birth certificate. The potty enforcement mechanism remains to be spelled out for us. Maybe the Republicans will hire former House Speaker Dennis Hastert or former Subway spokesman Jarad Fogle to inspect the naughty bits of people using public bathrooms.
This is going to be the greatest election ever.
Ain’t democracy grand?