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As we know, the path to true love seldom runs smooth. We are going to spend the rest of this blot on literature going undercover into the lives of two semi-famous lovers in Greek Mythology. Remember our old friends Eos and Tithonus?
What? You don’t remember? Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and learn this sad story. It may make you feel better about your own love life. Misery loves company.
Once upon a time in Greek Mythology, Eos was the Rosy Fingered Goddess of the Dawn. She had a big responsibility as she made the sun come up each morning like Karen Carpenter to light up our lives. As a result of a spell put on her by Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, Eos had an unquenchable thirst for making whoopee.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but Eos liked the laddies. Even though she was a Goddess she preferred dating handsome young mortal men. A lot of mortal men. What man in his right mind would just say “No” to a beautiful rosy fingered Goddess? Nobody, that’s who. Eos was pretty successful in the partying down mode with mere mortals.
Eos dated more men than Taylor Swift. But she was a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of gal. Once she had her way with them, she would banish them to foreign lands where they would pine away for her.
Eventually, she got bored with endless dating. She found her soul mate in a very eligible dude named Tithonus. As Andy Griffith once sang: “Sure as the vine twines round the stump/ You are my darling Sugar Lump.” Eos was smitten by Tithonus the Sugar Lump. When a Goddess is smitten, she stays smitten, until a better looking guy comes along.
Eos was ready to settle down and make Tithonus her permanent steady feller. There was one problem, a fly in the ointment so to speak. Goddesses are immortal. Men are not. Eos wanted to be able to hang out with Tithonus for all eternity. However, at some point Tithonus being mortal was going to croak. What to do?
Eos put on her Thinking Tiara and came up with the perfect solution. She asked Zeus to make Tithonus immortal as a wedding present. Zeus could do anything.
However, Zeus has a dark sense of humor. Eos was so excited about the prospect of eternal connubial bliss that when she asked for eternal life for Tithonus she forgot to ask for eternal youth for him. This was a big oops.
Zeus realized Eos had screwed up. He chuckled and granted her wish exactly as wished.
Things went great for the happy couple for years. Every morning after a night of ecstasy, Eos would get up from the marital bed to bring dawn to the Earth.
Inevitably, Tithonus began to get older. When Eos realized what Zeus had done, the wish warranty like all car warranties had expired.
Tithonus would never die but he would keep getting older and squishier. Yikes! This was bad news for all. Eos still loved her guy but all he wanted to do was to sit in a rocking chair and yell at kids to get off Olympus’ lawn.
It got worse as Tithonus' age increased. Eventually, he could not move and just babbled incessantly. Death was not going to come to release him from his verbose jelly like state.
After a particularly bad day, Eos did what any frustrated caretaker Goddess would do. She turned Tithonus into a cicada. Ancient Greeks believed that when cicadas shed their shells, they resumed their youth and lived forever. Cicadas are particularly loud at dawn which Greeks believed was due to their genetic inheritance from Tithonus and Eos’ job of bringing the dawn.
Franz Kafka stole the transmogrification of Tithonus into a cicada in his novella “The Metamorphosis” in which a human wakes up to find he has turned into a giant roach. Shame on Franz for swiping Eos’ idea.
So, what have we learned today? Once again, very little. But if you make a wish, first consult with a Board Certified Attorney who specializes in drafting wishes. Spend some money up front to avoid eternal problems. Just dial BR 549 and ask for Junior Samples. He can hook you up with the right lawyer to draft your wish.