Today we are going to learn how the universe is arranged. It is too complicated to explain the goings-on between Putin and Prigozhin in Mother Russia. Russia’s current situation is, to quote Winston Churchill, “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.”

Instead we will review how the Cosmos is organized. There are a number of colorful theories about the origin and structure of the universe and Earth’s place therein. You are invited to choose the theory you like best.

The Big Bang Theory is the one that Mr. Science chooses to believe. Under this concept, once upon a time 13.8 billion years ago there was an original atom who we will call Miss Kitty. She is not to be confused with Marshal Matt Dillon’s friend who ran the Long Branch Saloon in Gunsmoke. For reasons, even Mr. Science does not understand, one day the cosmic Ms. Kitty blew up and spewed out the entire universe, planets, stars, dark matter and the Dook basketball team.

There are two versions of the Big Bang Theory, neither of which is particularly encouraging. Under the Inflationary Big Bang theory the universe will keep expanding forever until every star and planet is alone in a vast dark void. Not even the Federal Reserve raising interest rates will be able to stop the cosmic inflationary spiral into nothingness.

The other version is the Big Crunch theory which holds that at some point after the Big Bang, the universe will stop expanding like a rubber band being pulled by a three year old kid. Then, like a rubber band, the universe will snap back into its original location. This will squash everything in the universe into a Mega Black Hole which will once again explode into a new Big Bang. Nothing will be left from our universe after the Big Crunch but Twinkies, cockroaches, and Keith Richards.

There are a number of other scientific theories about the universe worth mentioning in passing. The Geocentric theory held that the Earth is the center of the universe with the stars rotating around us. Our old buddy Ptolemy came up with this theory in 2nd century AD. It was pretty much the standard theory until an astronomer named Copernicus came up with his heliocentric theory which said the Earth revolved around the sun. Galileo sided with this theory and got into big trouble with the Pope’s Inquisition in 1615.

The Earth got downgraded again in 1785 when a smart aleck astronomer named William Herschel came up with the Galactocentric theory that our very own sun was the center of the Milky Way galaxy. Not only was the Earth not the center of the universe, it wasn’t even the center of its own solar system, much less its galaxy. Now we know how Pluto felt when it got downgraded from being a planet in 2006.

The ancient Egyptians’ theory was that in the beginning, the universe was just a big wet puddle of nothing with the Sun God, a dude named Atum sleeping in it while floating around. One day Atum woke up and created an island because he could. Atum stood on the island and began creating the universe by inventing gods and goddesses. When he got tired of creating theological beings, he created humans to amuse himself. The rest is history.

One of my favorite theories is the Turtles all the way down proposition. A western traveler we will call Fred was in Asia. Fred met an Asian philosopher there. Fred asked what is the nature of the world?

The philosopher told him that the Earth is “A great ball resting on the flat back of the world turtle.” Fred asked “What is the world turtle standing on?” The philosopher explained that it is “Turtles all the way down.” That is a lot of turtles. It is unclear what the bottom turtle is standing upon. Like in 1950’s horror movies, “There are some things man should not know.”

I have saved the best cosmic possibility for last. Welcome the Flat Earth Theory. Flat Earthers believe the Earth is flat like a big Frisbee. No globalism for them. A poll in 2017 found that 1% of Americans believe the Earth is flat. While that does not sound like much, America’s population is about 332 million. That means over 300,000 Americans believe the Earth is flat.

The most popular Flat Earth theory holds that the Artic Circle is in the middle of the Earth. Antarctica is a circular ring around the outside of the Flat Earth Disk with a wall of ice about 150 feet tall.

Employees of NASA are stationed all along the outer ring of the ice wall to keep civilians from finding out the Earth is flat and to keep them from falling off to where the turtles holding up the Earth might eat them.

You are now free to pick out the cosmic theory that suits you, just as you are able to pick out the news silo that suits your political leanings. Have a celestial day.