- Tuesday, 08 June 2021
- Written by Pitt Dickey
Start your day with a misquote from Pete Seeger: “Where have all the Cicadas gone? Long time passing? Long time ago?” The rest of America is crawling with lovelorn Cicadas of Brood X. As of the delivering of this column to Up & Coming Weekly for deposit into the dust bin of literary history, eastern North Carolina seems to be a Cicada-free zone. Cicadas ignoring the Sandhills is yet another unwarranted indignity visited upon Fayetteville. One can only hope that when this column appears, we will be enjoying the return of the 17-year locusts. Perhaps if we face the rising sun, bend the knee to them, and address them by their official name Pharaoh Cicada they will grace us with their presence and sing us a happy tune.
Until the Cicadas return, let us ponder the world their parents left in 2004 and their grandparents left in 1987. Hop on board Mr. Peabody’s Way Back Machine. It’s time to see what the world looked like when the Cicada’s parents visited us by in 2004. George W. Bush was President. The first major infestation of the internet occurred in February when Mark Zuckerberg’s cyber version of “Rosemary’s Baby” was born as Facebook in his Harvard dorm room. Ever since Facebook’s birth, all has been sweetness and light as the polite and reasoned discussions on Facebook have brought Americans closer together. Facebook has his father’s eyes.
The last episode of the TV show “Friends” aired on NBC in 2004. The fact a reunion show of “Friends” is airing on HBO Max 17 years after the series finale leads me to believe that the stars of “Friends” are not human. They are very large Cicadas wearing human shells. Expect to see Jennifer Anniston shed her exoskeleton on national TV revealing a large but very attractive insect selling beauty products.
Ken Jennings won 74 straight Jeopardy games in 2004. His return as a possible host to replace Alex Trebek 17 years later means Ken also is a giant Cicada in human form.
In 2004, the Russian tanker Tropical Brilliance got stuck in the Suez Canal for 3 days. Seventeen years later in 2021, the tanker Ever Given got stuck in the Suez Canal. The Ever Given is yet another giant aquatic Mother Bug Cicada teeming with pupae.
The year 2004 saw Yasser Arafat fading out ultimately crossing the Great Divide into the land of 70 virgins. These virgins turned out to be Catholic Nuns armed with rulers. Yasser was condemned to fail to learn his multiplication tables resulting in his knuckles being rapped for eternity.
In an attempt to jump start a fading career, Janet Jackson experienced a half time wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl between New England and the Carolina Panthers.
From the 2004 Crime Desk, Martha Stewart was sentenced to 5 months in prison for lying to the Feds. Lance Armstrong won the Tour De France but was disqualified later for doping.
Edvard Munch’s most famous painting “The Scream” was stolen from an Oslo Museum. It was recovered and went on to appear on coffee cups, key chains, tee shirts and pillowcases to enlighten art lovers everywhere.
What did the grandparents of Brood X see when they were riding the “Love Boat” of insect ecstasy back in 1987? Let us count the ways. All kinds of colorful stuff was happening. President Ronald Reagan dared Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. The Dow Jones average closed above 2000 for the first time. Michael Jordan scored a Chicago Bulls record of 58 points in a single game. Mike Tyson beat James “Bonecrusher” Smith in 12 rounds for the Heavyweight Championship. The Teflon Don John Gotti was found not guilty of racketeering. Jim Bakker resigned from PTL over accusations from his secretary Jessica Hahn.
Austrian Chancellor Kurt Waldheim forgot he was a Nazi. The U.S. Justice Department remembered and barred him from the U.S.
Gary Hart dropped out of the race for President after sailing on the good ship Monkey Business with Donna Rice. Michael Jackson tried unsuccessfully to buy the skeleton of the Elephant Man. The movie “Fatal Attraction” is released setting off a rush for boiled bunny recipes. Out west in Midland, Texas, Baby Jessica fell into a well and was rescued in a rare feel-good moment for America. Unwilling to allow the good feeling to last, 3 days later the Dow Jones average fell into a financial well, dropping 22% in one day.
Robert Bork’s nomination to the Supreme Court fell into a legal well never to be seen again. His replacement nominee Douglas Ginsburg admitted to smoking pot and withdrew his nomination. Third choice Anthony Kennedy got the consolation appointment to the Supreme Court.
Sonny & Cher performed with each other for the last time singing “I Got You Babe” on Letterman proving irony was dead. In December, Manson follower Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, who attempted to assassinate President Gerald Ford, escaped from prison and was captured 2 days later, proving it’s always something.
So Brood X, if you are out there, we need you. Make your parents and Grand Daddy Pharaoh Cicada proud of you.
Don’t leave us waiting at the Cicada Alter. All is forgiven. Please come home.